As it turns out, my physics papers were in need of extensive revision—and there was a great amount that could not be salvaged.  My ideas had changed, too, and I needed to work on developing a cohesive theory, i thought, instead of jumping around too much from one paper to the next.  So i hadn’t been tuning in, here, for several days, almost a week now, because i’d been working on that—indeed, i was doing some heavy lifting.  I wondered, now, what Ursula had been up to, and how she might’ve felt about the fact that i hadn’t been tuning in; i hadn’t been meditating in the bath, either—i’d been taking showers, because i wouldn’t have been able to sit still in the bath, what with all the questions i was being inundated with, problems with my model, etc. 

     Here I was, waiting for my Ursula to say something—not knowing what, if anything, we should talk about.  In 5D, we have things we can talk about.  And why shouldn’t we in 4D?  Because, when we’re sober, we filter out the bad, and the troublesome, which, in 4D, is always present, however diminished or removed.  Perhaps, there is plenty to talk about, but we are not relaxed enough to talk about it—so, if we tried, the bad would intervene.  But i imagine in 5D it’s like, when we’re together, we’re high on cocaine, or something like that, finding all kinds of things to talk about, and being constantly entertained by each other.  But I think my 4D Ursula, might have been a little jealous of Anna, since she posed the question: Who’s voice would you use if we were together?

     Questions posed themselves: for example, do we drink alcohol in 5D, and, if we do, what happens—do we get drunk?  the answer depends on what it means to be relaxed.  One difference between a 4D life and a 5D life is that in 5D we are always relaxed; we can still suffer, but we are relaxed—our world is secure, and it is perfect.  In 4D, our civilization is flawed and corrupt—therefore we are never fully relaxed.  Questions constantly arise that would try and improve our state—and make us more relaxed; indeed, total relaxation is what we strive for, even if we cannot ever achieve it without some stimulant, and, even then, because we require a full belly, etc., we are not fully relaxed. 

     I avoided the tub this morning, as I knew I would be plagued by questions i couldn’t answer, and i wouldn’t be able to sit still.  I had another long night, last night, due to physics questions—all valid questions, that, however, did not need to be answered immediately, even if my work, seemingly, hinged in the balance.  I’m considering, therefore, talking to my doctor about going up to 120 mg of Latuda, as opposed to 80 mg, in an attempt to gain more control of my thoughts.  I do not want to go up to 2 mg of risperidone, as I fear that would invite both impotence and constipation.  Due to these newfangled difficulties sleeping, I am also considering dropping off of the Wellbutrin completely, as i do not feel depressed, and dropping from 300 mg to 150 mg went fine.  Furthermore I am thinking of going up another 25 mg a night of trazadone, which would put me at 100 mg a night, whereas, for the last decade, I have only been taking 50 mg a night.  Hopefully, these changes, in combination with the idea that, eventually, I’ll stop finding major difficulties when it comes to my physics work, the problem will be corrected, and I can go back to normal, the only difference, being, i imagine, i’ll be watching TV until 8:30 instead of 7:30.  At this time I haven’t been getting to bed until even later than that, but that doesn’t leave me, in my opinion, with enough sleep, so it’s part of the problem.

      I am feeling inspired, enough to write you.  But what was she saying?  Given the way i had just used the word, inspired, i.e., with respect to sexual activity, I wondered: when she said she was going to write me, did she mean she was going to engage in sexual activity?  Did feeling inspired mean that something had changed—and, therefore, I might need to respond, in kind?  The sexual freedom i had recovered, and was accepting, if i hadn’t accepted it already, left me imagining various scenarios with my Swedish blond—but, honestly, i was hoping to effectively sublimate those feelings, at least for a few days at a time, because, for one thing, my Swedish blond wasn’t here, and, for another, i didn’t want to run out of inspiration in the first place—which happens, after a while, especially if you don’t ever watch pornography, something i gave up, years ago.

     I was backing off painting a little: for the past three months or so i’d been cranking out two paintings a day, which is a lot by any standard.  In fact, one painting a day put me ahead, given a good lifespan, of most of my esteemed colleagues, and, because I was entertaining a lot of math and physics ideas—as well as my imaginations on how eternal life might work—I saw no reason not to settle down a little.  I certainly didn’t want to burn out, which was unlikely, but possible, if, that is, i didn’t listen to how things were, and should, naturally take shape.  The bottom line was: what else am i going to do?  I’d burn out on something else if i didn’t spend part of my day painting, and i’d burn out on painting if i neglected the thoughts that were coming to the surface, and being formulated in this my writing.  Because of all the physics questions of late, i’d also backed away from composing music and songs; composing music was cool, when I had the time, and if I stuck with it, a little at a time, consistently, i could still produce a decent amount of work, if that turned out to be important to me, but it wasn’t, in my mind, the most useful way for me to express myself—however so much it might be, in the future.

     I considered the following: if Ursula begins to tell me specific things about her day, then how do i know, at any point, that happened?  That is to say, i could meet someone, and they might not, in 4D have actually done what they said, ever, and, well, there is not necessarily any reason to think that they would, in the future.  So that raises two possibilities: there is another Ursula that did do whatever that was; or this 4D Ursula is passing on something that her 5D self has done at some point in her infinite lifetime.  But how would that work?  When i talk into the bulk, i resonate with the 5D Ursula, even if my specific question is not heard directly, and i get, ultimately, my 4D response.  Now, my 4D Ursula might not hear my question consciously—literally; it might take place unconsciously.  So I considered: if I asked her what she ate that day, for example, and she replied, i might be connected to the 5D Ursula, and what she ate, over some infinite period.  Then the exact person that I am, at the moment that I asked, would be connected to that exact period, and, as such, my 4D Ursula’s unconscious response could be a reflection of that: a response, at that moment in time, that relates specifically to my 4D Ursula at that same moment of time—in some translated form or another.  So, I concluded, asking a question did not necessarily promise a straight forward answer—the response could come from a superposition of 5D states that reflect my 4D Ursula’s state—and it wouldn’t necessarily go to follow that my 4D Ursula had actually done what her 5D self, according to my beliefs, most certainly did.

     I have the first eight verses of “Chevy Chase” memorized now, and i’m thinking of moving on to the next eight; hopefully, by the time i learn the next eight, i won’t have forgotten the first eight.  I found myself highly disturbed yesterday and into last night: i was unable to watch TV, and I was unable to be still—I was in and out of the shower, etc.  I actually got so perturbed that i got careless walking into the bathroom and fell on my backside, hurting my foot a little in the fall.  I thought, “it’s a good thing i’m not older, or could have broken a hip,” and i chastised myself for being so careless—and for allowing myself to end up in this state in the first place.  So I took a milligram of risperidone—i’d already taken my 80 mg of Lurasidone—and an extra trazone pill, and, luckily, i was able, to get to sleep, although it was a little late for me. 

     You have me on the line  and, indeed, i had been thinking—how exactly is Ursula my connection to God?  And I concluded that, if it’s just me, i cannot tell where i end and God begins, but if I have a partner in my life, I an surrounded by two potential differences: since i invest myself in my partner, and I can recognize my partner, the remainder must be God.  So Ursula would not necessarily be God in human form, but that would be close, since it is through her that I establish an interpersonal relationship with something that, as i understand it, is commensurate, as opposed to an individual in human form. 

     I had my future comrade on the line this morning—i call him Bill—he was represented by my Ursula, but, at some point, they separated—she represented him as a child, and I created a voice for him, as an adult.  I don’t remember now, what he said, but I answered him; i was not using his voice today, when I recited my lines.  He chimed in, in his voice, after I finished reciting my lines on Thursday’s voice, and switched back to my voice.  I told them they are all welcome to share something when they have something to share, if they know the codes, and the channel, since i am not littered with calls—messages, mostly: questions related to my work, ideas . . . but not verbal conversation.