Ate dinner at 7:00 last night—and we’re going to follow that routine for now.  I can make it that long without eating, and, as I mentioned, soda pop doesn’t do much, if anything, for me, with food in my stomach, and, also, a little food in my stomach seems to help with sleep.  So I could hardly watch TV at all after dinner—made it until 9:00, read about six pages, turned the lights out at around 9:25, slept fine until about 3:00, then woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep, lay around until 4:30, got my clock, tried to pray, which amounted to some complaining about waking up at 3:00 and not being able to go to sleep, and got up at 5:00.  Then I was a little peeved and relieved to realize that I’d forgotten to take my melatonin and my 100 mg of trazadone, so, hopefully, waking up at 3:00 and not being able to go back to sleep, and being miserable from about 4:00 to 5:00, and being forced to get out of bed at 5:00 as opposed to 6:00, which is what my alarm is now set for, had something to do with that.

   Restless again last night—again, made it to about 9:15; read about six or eight pages—this book is not what I hoped it would be, and turned out the lights at about 9:35.  Slept ok from about then to about 11:30—then from about then to about 3:00, then woke up around 4:00, lay around until 5:45, and got up.  Had my alarm set for 6:30—so I planned to get up earlier, just not this early.  Anxious as all get out last night, forced to have sex, twice, when I didn’t really want to; I just wanted to relax.  So, anyhow, I relied on my imagination—didn’t want to turn myself on anymore than I already was unless, for whatever reasons, I tried to get off and couldn’t, but, thankfully, I could, so that was one good thing.  But, again, I don’t want to be having sex every day—I want to relax into it more, and let my subconscious do its thing.  It’s 7:12 a.m. now, so, will I have four cups of coffee?  I’ve had one—but maybe I don’t want to feel strung out, and should switch to tea—and get off all caffeine by 11:30 or 12:00 instead of 1:00.  Maybe I’d be less restless that way.  But, anyhow, I’m considering quitting at 3:00 today, since I’m about two hours ahead of schedule, and watching more than one show after dinner is beginning to look a little  more difficult than I had hoped—given the success, about half the time, that I did have.  Naturally, of course, half the time isn’t going to cut it—I need a routine I can follow every night.

   Got restless again, stretched a little on the floor, went to bed around 9:20—read for about twenty minutes—hoped and prayed this morning that I wouldn’t be restless again, tonight—considered going to bed around 9:30 anyhow, and setting my alarm for 6:30 instead of 7:30.  Felt a little unsettled in my stomach and my guts, a tiny bit nauseous after taking my medication—hoping with all my heart that this  medication won’t continue to make me nauseous, to any degree, as risperidone, the sexual dysfunction, the teeth grinding, the need to skip lunch, the constipation—was out of the question, and I was under the impression that Abilify could make you even more restless.  Maybe it would have been nice to live a little further in the future, when there were better drugs for schizophrenia, but this is my lot—for now, and I must accept it.  I considered, too, that schizophrenia was, in part, about being an old soul forced to live in a time period that was so entirely different from previous generations, that the conditions of this fast paced world, all of a sudden, over the past four generations, made me ill—so maybe things, in the present, balanced out a little—although I didn’t think our lives, from here on out, were really going to change that much—at least when it came to technology—we’d have our phones and our computers and the internet, and so on, and so forth.

   I woke up many, many times again, but I didn’t look at my clock as much, and I got back to sleep a little sooner for the first two thirds of the night—then I started looking at my clock, and not being able to get back to sleep; must have been totally awake since about 5:00, and got out of bed around 7:00.  So waking up a lot was beginning to look like something I wasn’t going to be able to change in the immediate future, which was a real drag—and I hoped and prayed otherwise—but there weren’t any other changes I could make to my life—there was no solution I could think of that would solve the problem, unless I tried zero caffeine, but that was never going to happen, and, besides, even if I was drinking zero caffeine, I think I’d still be waking up repeatedly.  I could only have faith that, as I continued to settle into my new medication routine, and my new routine, things would stabilize.  Now, today was Sunday, so that was Curt’s day, my singer songwriter poet Uncle of Idaho, so, this morning, I counted in his voice for about twenty or thirty minutes.  My schedule, that I set when I was taking baths again, was as follows:  Monday and Tuesday, Craig, my Nashville Uncle;  Wednesday and Thursday, Stan, my scotch uncle;  Friday and Saturday, Bill, my great grandfather—who, for me, represented the future; and then Curt on Sunday, so Curt only got one day.  Now, Bill also represented Picasso, but, I imagined, when speaking to Bill, I would know, based on a general gut feeling or intuition, whether I was talking to someone from the future, a Shakespeare of the future, for example, or Picasso, or, possibly, some other painter, etc. 

   So I did very well with TV last night, watching three episodes of my show, and it was ten by the time I finished getting ready for bed.  Then I read for thirty minutes.  So that was a great success.  Nevertheless, I didn’t fall into a deeper sleep until late in the morning, waking up many, many times.  Then, once I fell into a deeper sleep, I must’ve slept about two and a half or three hours, and woke up around 7:50—which put me well beyond the goal I set for myself yesterday.  I was thinking that sleeping in might make it more difficult to fall asleep at night, but sleeping nine hours was preferable to sleeping eight, if I could, so I thought I’d set my alarm for 7:30, tonight, and count time until about eight, tomorrow, if I slept until 7:30, which seemed a little unlikely, given the past few days.  I was actually kind of anticipating waking up around 6:30, and meditating until about 7:00 or 7:30.  So tonight, again, was a crapshoot—but I felt that I had successfully let Jesus a little more into my body, and, that, in sticking with one show, somehow, it was easier to get into it, and be content, so, hopefully, Jesus would remain, and all would go well.