I have the first eight verses of “Chevy Chase” memorized now, and i’m thinking of moving on to the next eight; hopefully, by the time i learn the next eight, i won’t have forgotten the first eight. I found myself highly disturbed yesterday and into last night: i was unable to watch TV, and I was unable to be still—I was in and out of the shower, etc. I actually got so perturbed that i got careless walking into the bathroom and fell on my backside, hurting my foot a little in the fall. I thought, “it’s a good thing i’m not older, or could have broken a hip,” and i chastised myself for being so careless—and for allowing myself to end up in this state in the first place. So I took a milligram of risperidone—i’d already taken my 80 mg of Lurasidone—and an extra trazone pill, and, luckily, i was able, to get to sleep, although it was a little late for me.
To battle against this, i’ve decided to take a half mg of risperidone with my lurasidone every night, at least for the time being, and potentially until i see my doctor again, and we can reevaluate my situation. i don’t know how you do it. But, sometimes, you have to take a little bad to get the good, and that, when it came to my talents, and my mind, was certainly the case. I wasn’t making myself unhappy to pursue my talents—as i used to do; but my talents came with a price tag—and i had to make sacrifices, and adapt. This was an ongoing process. i’ve been freefalling, thinking of you. And maybe that had something to do, deep down, with why i was so disturbed—trying to answer questions that I had no business thinking about after five o’ clock. I might’ve been trying, somehow, to prove my worth—to justify Ursula’s presence, to bring her here, to me, at least at some point in my 4D life, since, well, i am not perfect, and i cannot be certain that there really is a fifth dimension, or a life after this, in which all my work would be realized. That’s not to say it would all be for nothing; for all i know, we are progressing, in this life, toward eternal life, and my life will help to get us there. But yeah, i kind of wanted to live a little in the company of a woman at some point in the future—and i knew it might be wrong of me to want that, since it might not be what, in the grand scheme of events, eternal life or not, is meant for me.
To want what i can’t have would make me jealous, and jealousy is a disagreeable trait. But it was nice to know that Ursula was thinking of me, and that she, too, wanted to bridge the gap between us. Perhaps she also found herself doubting the foundations of her faith, if she had faith, which, in order to think of me, an absentee lover, she must. But my doubts did not stop me from choosing to believe, since, I believe that, as humans evolve toward eternal life in this life, believing in that eternal life is important, both before and after the outcome would arrive. It gets us there. I knew that Ursula, too, might be like me, and unable to be with someone, or at least, up to this point in her life, that might be the case, but I also considered that her doubts could lead her to spread her legs, and since spreading her legs would be all that she has to do, she might, for a time, find herself disconnected from me—which, if she is who she must be, would prove highly disagreeable, and, consequently, she would need, ultimately, to believe in something, too—she would need to believe in me.
“I am thinking of you.” It was my turn to speak, which i don’t always document, and don’t always literally do, since I consider this writing to be a part of our conversation. I’m sure she gets messages from me, based on this process, if, that is, she exists—and even if we, as a couple, do not exist, at some point, even if we are never together, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist—she could discover my work at some point, or she might even learn nothing, ultimately, specifically, about me, other than the idea that she has a man out there, somewhere. There is no reason to think that we aren’t connected—even if there is no reason to think that we are. Humanity is far too young to think that it knows everything, even if many of us think that we’ve got it all figured out—or at least most of it. Science is only accurate until proven otherwise, and there are some things that we’ll never be able to prove, or disprove—such as this notion that our lifespans, eventually, will increase indefinitely.
I also believe in God. A higher calling. Meaning. I believe that you are part of my calling. And what is a calling, exactly? Is it not founded on an inexplicable motivation to do something—something that will change the world—at least for our friends and loved ones? It didn’t have to imply the existence of God—but the question arises: where does that motivation come from? What makes us willing to make sacrifices that we might not otherwise make? Doesn’t it spring from a belief in, or an intuitive idea, of God? And without callings, where would we, as a species, be? Therefore God, whether he existed or not, was the dynamo behind everything that humanity was going toward—and what could that be but the ability to stay alive? We already live to that end—having children to take up the reins, after us, and staving off death, through hard work, as long as possible. So why wouldn’t you believe in God, unless you had no calling? But everybody, deep down, has a calling, no matter how small—we all live for something.