Here I was, waiting for my Ursula to say something—not knowing what, if anything, we should talk about. In 5D, we have things we can talk about. And why shouldn’t we in 4D? Because, when we’re sober, we filter out the bad, and the troublesome, which, in 4D, is always present, however diminished or removed. Perhaps, there is plenty to talk about, but we are not relaxed enough to talk about it—so, if we tried, the bad would intervene. But i imagine in 5D it’s like, when we’re together, we’re high on cocaine, or something like that, finding all kinds of things to talk about, and being constantly entertained by each other. But I think my 4D Ursula, might have been a little jealous of Anna, since she posed the question: Who’s voice would you use if we were together?
I thought about it, and I decided I would stick with Anna’s—not because, as this Ursula might’ve feared, I was more interested in staying connected to her predecessor and or her replacement, but, rather, because I wanted access to her unconscious mind, at any point in time. Using her real voice would have connected me to the present, and, theoretically, her conscious mind, which she might’ve found distracting, since she might’ve preferred to speak face to face. But if I used Anna’s voice, the voice i assigned to every Ursula, including, if not only, her, she was less likely to find me distracting, since, theoretically, using someone’s voice, telepathically, makes them conscious of this idea that you are talking to them. An agreed upon voice could bypass conscious awareness and emerge from the back door; it could, therefore, extend to different regions of spacetime, regions that we are not presently conscious of, regions that, nonetheless, can identify the call, and respond.
Once i explained it to her she understood, but she posed the question: What would you do if Anna was your lover? And, indeed, if she was, then i would probably seek out a more neutral, substitute voice; if i was truly over this particular Ursula, then, in fact, i might use her voice. Why not? So, you might say, then you might breach this Ursula’s conscious awareness. But i don’t think i would unless i was directing my thought at her in that way, thinking it. So why not use this Ursula’s voice when you are with her—if you can control it like that? But seeing each other every day might make it much more likely that I would find myself talking to this Ursula without intentionally thinking it—i might do it automatically, out of sheer familiarity. And, again, i wanted access to her unconscious.
Now, I was using Ursula’s voice more, now, when I was in the bath, or even when I was simply trying to meditate, when i did other things. That was because I believed she was my connection to God—that, when I used her voice as a filter, by applying it to my counting mechanism—then, when I wanted to speak to God, who i believed was the superposition of all my frequencies once i’d filtered out the garbage, i would use the voice of my internal narrator. Ursula, as my partner, was my primary storage space—that’s where things went that i didn’t get to right away, or that might’ve been sent without specific intent; she was the ground. Therefore God was the unfiltered source, once the ground, or the filter, had been applied. I did not use her voice to tap into messages from my esteemed colleagues, who, i imagined, left a lot more messages, and asked a lot more questions, as opposed to serving, primarily, as storage space, and a filter—a means by which i could tune out that which would distress me, and set things aside. She, and God, were the means by which I emptied my mind.
If I was not distressed, or trying to empty my mind, then I would, naturally, rely more on my own voice, as that voice was my connection to my 5D self, and overall integration. But if i needed help setting specific thoughts aside, I turned to Ursula, and God. Now, where were we? After getting to sleep in a reasonable amount of time for a few nights, and waking up this morning, and feeling a little bad, i decided i might need the Wellbutrin, at 150 mg, and i decided to get back on it. I thought, for example, that I might need the stimulant in the morning, and, because the drug is sometimes used to help people quit smoking, i.e., to treat smokers, and i was a smoker, and there were smokers in my family, people that were susceptible to it, i figured it might be doing something for me that I was trying to do for myself when i was smoking—i figured, too, that it might help me stay connected to people that, in the past, might’ve smoked or did smoke—using the drug to tune, i think, telepathically.
I was planning on sticking with the 1mg of risperidone because of the sleeping problem and the thought control problem, at least for now, even if my sexual function, although greatly improved, remained imperfect. I considered, too, that the absence of a muse might have something to do with it, which was frustrating, when distressed, but pornography was out of the question. Indeed, I simply did not need to be thinking of that which wasn’t there—that was a good thing; so the distress, and the anxiety, fundamentally, was the problem—even if it meant i was more sexually active than i otherwise might be. Now, the distress seemed to be a little related to getting off the risperidone—hence the return to 1mg; but some distress still remained, which, I hoped, would wear off once the transition to the new drug was fully integrated. But the distress seemed to be related in part, too, to environmental changes, e.g., the review of my physics abstracts and the discovery of flaws and or imperfections that required my attention, even if i sought, mostly, to try and understand what i meant without trying to change a paper that was already published and better off, i thought, as a completed piece existing in the past. That said, there were a couple instances, i discovered, that required revision. It is my intention, and, i think, better for my mental health, to focus on creating new work, expanding or clarifying the old work, if i want, in the new work. In my opinion, when it comes to any creation, it is generally better not to rework it once it was determined finished.
So, as questions get answered, and i resolve what appears, from the past, to be problematic, and, as i apply myself, to control myself, and pace myself, these environmental changes should stabilize, leaving me more relaxed. I hoped, then, that I might be able to focus more, in the bath, during my meditation time, on communicating with others, rather than trying, for the most part, to catch up on messages that appear to have gotten backed up, over time, and, without me realizing it, needed my attention. Things that, might have been making me uncomfortable in the present, things that i might have been trying to block out, that, once resolved, in the long run, will leave me feeling more at peace with myself. I feel that I am catching up, over the past few weeks, and, i aim to listen for things that i can respond to, and make statements about, that can function as part of a discourse, as opposed to very long messages that, for the most part, wind up being one sided.