I am feeling inspired, enough to write you. But what was she saying? Given the way i had just used the word, inspired, i.e., with respect to sexual activity, I wondered: when she said she was going to write me, did she mean she was going to engage in sexual activity? Did feeling inspired mean that something had changed—and, therefore, I might need to respond, in kind? The sexual freedom i had recovered, and was accepting, if i hadn’t accepted it already, left me imagining various scenarios with my Swedish blond—but, honestly, i was hoping to effectively sublimate those feelings, at least for a few days at a time, because, for one thing, my Swedish blond wasn’t here, and, for another, i didn’t want to run out of inspiration in the first place—which happens, after a while, especially if you don’t ever watch pornography, something i gave up, years ago.
Now, why give up pornography, besides, of course, the practical difficulties that come with watching it? Basically because it rewired your brain, after a while, leaving you thinking of pornographic scenarios when you were trying to think of something much more delicate—it was like living with a bull in a China shop, especially when it came to channeling specific frequencies that belonged to specific people—not the people that, however seemingly attractive, were living, impractically, on the other side of the screen. But, anyhow, what was I going to do? Well, if she was writing me out of the blue, then, well, i might need to tune in, albeit, ideally, for a brief period of time. The important thing was to secure the information; once i had it, then the important thing was to use it to communicate verbally. Speaking back and forth, in English, at least on my end, was the goal, since verbal communications are the only way to pass on highly specific information that relates to our day to day lives, and our general understanding of the universe.
But i have to admit, the closer i got to Ursula—as i began to understand what some of her defining characteristics might be, i.e., what i might need, personally, from a partner, the more excited i seemed to be, especially since, at this time in my life, i was, as i mentioned, recovering what is best described as my freedom. Now, there can sometimes be a fine line between a bigot and somebody that wants to protect you from a cruel world—a world that cannot, and will never, be able to accept this newfound freedom to love others in whatever way i see fit. Because this freedom, for bad people, is a target, and because bad people, often enough, find that freedom to be disgusting, it becomes unspeakable; so we protect it be keeping it, and the beliefs that shape it, inside. For that reason we do not discuss it, or attempt, in any way, to force others to accept what they cannot; we arrive at our freedom in step with our partner, and not with others, people that have, or would have, partners of their own. So if i refuse to speak, on the surface, about the love that makes me tick, it is because i am protecting it, both in myself, and, by example, in others. Hence the desirability of having a partner, if not in this life, then the next, someone that is compatible, and, because of that, at least in this life, probably quite rare, in the end, even if, or especially if, you managed to become increasingly compatible with someone over time.
Loving each other, free to do what we want, makes it possible to love others that, in loving each other, are also free to do what they want, which means, of course, that we come to love people that are essentially different from us. The way they express their freedom does not always align with the way we express ours, etc. So, as I got a better idea of what my Ursula might be like, the more it seemed that she, specifically, was, or would be, within reach; i got an even better inkling of what my 5D life might be like, and, although this world, at least for now, keeps us apart, the next one won’t, and, as such, I have something more specific that i can imagine, as opposed to an abstract notion—which seems to be enough, for many people—that an afterlife exists, without ever really getting brave, and trying, with God’s help, to understand how it works. But I suppose, to understand how it works would make it more real, and, because we live with doubt, the tension, at least for many, between the beliefs we share, and the beliefs we actually sustain, would be unbearable.
I’m just like you, in a sense. I, too, have my freedoms, but I’m not just doing it to please you—I’m also doing it to please myself, which you may not, at this point, be able to accept. I think I understand what she meant: would i get jealous, if, for example, i thought she enjoyed connecting with someone else in the same way, or a similar way, that she connects with me? Or the opposite could also be true: what if she connected with someone else in a way that she didn’t connect with me—and she liked it, such that, well, there might be something that she wants from someone in a way that might not have anything to do with me? Would i still feel as special as I feel, thinking, perhaps, that she does everything to please me? Good question. But I think the answer goes both ways: if, indeed, we are compatible, and in love, then I will want to please her as much as she wants to please me, and, therefore, if she gets pleasure from others in a way that would seem to threaten our relationship, and, in fact, because we are in love, there, at least at the present time, is no threat, then i will be happy for the both of us. Nothing can go wrong unless I fail to understand that, at some point, there might be some other equally important love waiting for me, and, because of that, i fail to accept her for who she is, and what, with our without me, would define her freedom, which made her mine in the first place.