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I avoided the tub this morning, as I knew I would be plagued by questions i couldn’t answer, and i wouldn’t be able to sit still. I had another long night, last night, due to physics questions—all valid questions, that, however, did not need to be answered immediately, even if my work, seemingly, hinged in the balance. I’m considering, therefore, talking to my doctor about going up to 120 mg of Latuda, as opposed to 80 mg, in an attempt to gain more control of my thoughts. I do not want to go up to 2 mg of risperidone, as I fear that would invite both impotence and constipation. Due to these newfangled difficulties sleeping, I am also considering dropping off of the Wellbutrin completely, as i do not feel depressed, and dropping from 300 mg to 150 mg went fine. Furthermore I am thinking of going up another 25 mg a night of trazadone, which would put me at 100 mg a night, whereas, for the last decade, I have only been taking 50 mg a night. Hopefully, these changes, in combination with the idea that, eventually, I’ll stop finding major difficulties when it comes to my physics work, the problem will be corrected, and I can go back to normal, the only difference, being, i imagine, i’ll be watching TV until 8:30 instead of 7:30. At this time I haven’t been getting to bed until even later than that, but that doesn’t leave me, in my opinion, with enough sleep, so it’s part of the problem.
I found myself thinking of Ursula in an extremely loose way, which worked, and went on for two or three days, upon which, something didn’t feel right, and I tightened up a little, thinking, i guess, that such loose behavior was so idealized and flawed that, in real life, I would never go for it. But we’ll see what happens in the coming days, if, that is, i continue to find that I have excess energy that i can’t do anything with. Hopefully, as I’ve mentioned, this, too, will calm down, because it’s not only a source of agitation, but that agitation makes it difficult to read. In fact, I haven’t even been reading my minimum goal of six pages a night. I haven’t been doing any reading at all. That’s partly because there’s not really anything out there anymore, at least that I know about, that I want to read—but the book I’m currently reading still warrants, i think, six pages a night. It seems that, as a writer, I should always be reading something; on the other hand, part of the reason i’m a writer, i think, is because there’s nothing out there that i like to read.
Not only was i plagued by pure physics questions, last night, but I was also trying to apply the physics to my understanding of 5D life, and how, for a long time, I have imagined it might be like. To be specific, I was trying to understand how the landscape can change as we approach our partner’s family home, as opposed to our own family home, since, I imagine, the structures would overlap, if we were living in 4D. Basically, i have long imagined that things can appear and disappear based on our “i’s,” or the complex plane—what i would now describe as the complex-k plane, which has both a real k and an imaginary k. I was attempting to explain that by describing how and in what way the 5D loops align such that our “i’s” represent our composite 5D state. I concluded that as the 5D loop resonates, matter, is transferred from the wake of the photons that resonate with the loops, and transferred in bulk as the 5D states become increasingly coupled together.
Now, the question remained: did i want to avoid the tub again tomorrow, as the tub is where many questions emerge? Good question—because the questions that emerged were valid questions that needed to be addressed, but, at the same time, I have become overwhelmed. I was weighing my options, and the answer would probably have something to do with how well I slept tonight. That is to say, if i could remain relatively question free, i might take a bath—if my mind was still searching for weaknesses, even after dinner, then, well, I would probably take a shower. I needed to put a damper on the questions, and questions definitely emerged when i was in the tub, doing my counting, and, basically, thinking whatever came to mind. My mind was less likely to wander in the shower, and showers go much more quickly than baths, leaving less time for an onslaught of questions: indeed, the point of drawing a bath is to soak in the hot water for an extended amount of time.
Partner up, why don’t you? She seemed to be turning the tables on me—suggesting that, instead thinking of her with a partner, i should think of myself with her partner . . . which was something i expected her to support, but, at the same time, that wasn’t something i wanted, or was ready to, think about. The bottom line is that I have become increasingly heterosexual over time—thinking more and more of women. That didn’t mean I was off, so to speak; it just meant that I was beginning to realize that the impotence problem was making me think I was more homosexual than i am—when, in fact, the ratio definitely favors the opposite sex. I’m just unable, due to circumstances beyond my control, to form a partner. I think it boils down to the fact that a child, for me, is not an option—indeed, the only life that is an option for me, at least for now, is the one that i’m living—i simply don’t see how, even if there was someone i liked, i could like them enough to uproot my life.
Fine by me . . . but it’s you, not them, that i truly want. I could understand that, and, indeed, i think “they” crossed my mind, in part, because it was simply too difficult for me to imagine myself with a partner. It was easier to imagine a potential partner, or a partner that wouldn’t wind up wanting more from me than I could give—such as promises of any kind. Everything around me was either too in flux or too not in flux, depending on how you looked at it, to allow for commitment of any kind, and, because the kind of sex that i was looking for involved commitment, sex, with me, wasn’t exactly an option. So, in a way, you might say that i’m not really impotent; you might say that, in a way, i never have been: i’ve just never been available, at least not, that is, without excessive amounts of drugs and alcohol, to both cloud the fact that i am unavailable, and, also, to make me act on a partner that I, if sober, i wouldn’t deem worthy. Now, do i think too highly of myself? It’s a legitimate question, considering how highly i think of myself. But, no, I don’t think i do; given my talents, i simply should be able to do better, and because I should be able to do better, I tend to think that i should do better—or do nothing at all.