7
Still using, at this point, just Ursula’s voice—that was getting me into conversation land—short “texts” that we sent back and forth—sometimes with space between them and other times back and forth. You don’t know how i feel so i figured i’d touched a nerve; i think what she was really saying was that her boyfriend didn’t know how she felt. I wondered, sometimes, if he loved her more that she loved him, or if, on the other hand, he was just doing what he thought he was supposed to do, i.e. get married, be the first husband, maybe have kids if she wanted them, maybe not if she didn’t—as opposed to doing something that defined him outside of working hours. But I wasn’t going to ask her about that—and then i thought, well, it is only natural to talk to the person you’re having an affair with about the person you’re cheating on and how they make you unhappy. That was what forward progress in an affair looked like. All affairs, at least a little, amounted to gossip.
where do we stand? well, as if I hadn’t made myself clear . . . “i want to be your partner.” but what do you want from me? “I want to be president, of course, but, if not that, then the next best thing, which, i think, would be an heir.” My mistake—I should have known not to bring up children because I’m sure she was doing the math and beginning to realize that, in her quest for the presidency, she might never find the right period of time to have a baby. So she must’ve been thinking, from time to time, I imagine with a little sadness, that she might never have children of her own. Anyhow, she knew me well enough to take a me a little seriously when I said something odd—but i think she also understood that what, to me, was a joke, was a joke precisely because of the odds—if the odds were against me, then, well, it was a joke.
But i think she thought, to herself, that I would make a good president, so she became serious and said, “what are your plans for the future? What was I supposed to tell her—that my future was more about what I did with my time than it was about where i lived or who I was with—at least for now? I mean—I kind wanted to look after my parents a little since they cover my expenses and looked after me when the going got pretty tough and obnoxious. I didn’t like to travel anymore, either, so, well, she was asking a clever question. I know she wants to live in New York, that she feels at home there, as if she’s where she belongs—and she has family, there, too—so this was a bit of a conundrum. Nevertheless it really wasn’t (if she could make enough money to look after me) because I could do my job pretty much anywhere that had a little space; she, however, had to divide her time between New York City and Washington DC. Her job was so important—i was the one that was going to have give a little; so i’d have to get over my resistance to making trips to and fro.
“I’ll go to you,” I said. “If you’ll have me.” But she must have been thinking somewhere in the back of her mind—he’s totally going to use me to advance his career—he’s not in love with me, he’s in love with what I represent. that was interesting because I knew that i wanted her—but she seemed to be saying, i want him to love me back. So she wanted me to love her—that was great, but, will it change how he feels? I couldn’t answer that question 100 percent because I’m used to loving people that want to leave me before I want to leave them, etc. Meaning, if somebody wanted me—instead of wanting to use me—would it feel awkward or strange? Too different or difficult for me to accept? In her case I didn’t think so—she couldn’t exactly smother me since I was used to her being around. She was too busy to smother me anyhow. So i wasn’t worried about that. “I’m not worried about that.”
I don’t know what you were hoping for what can i say? i was hoping for salvation, mostly. I wanted her to be a part of my world, and, as set as I am in my ways, I try to adapt when i need to, so, with that in mind, “I want to be a part of your world.” Sometimes you have to state the obvious when you love someone, since, well, when they speak they tend to bundle things together: they’re not just asking the question that lives on the surface. There also trying to read other things—you have to accept that you can’t hide from someone forever. Eventually they might stop asking so many questions—but, really, when anybody talks to another person, they are always trying to express something beneath the surface whether they know it or not. Everybody wants to believe that heaven is real. Everyone is seeking some kind of permanence—and they don’t want to suffer when they die. That’s what everything eventually means.