That fact that I hadn’t worked on my new album, or composed any jazz or classical music, in ages, had to do with the fact that I was spending so much time on my physics, and, beyond that, i was first and foremost a painter and a poet and a writer—a poet and writer that focused on the written word itself, words that were meant to be read, ideally in silence.  No matter how good a singer songwriter, or a composer, I might’ve been if i could dedicate myself to it first and foremost, the fact was that I couldn’t—that i was inclined to do other things first—things that, to me, were simply more important—things that, i felt, had a better chance, given my history, and my output, to be noticed, things that, primarily, identified me.  Only after those needs had been met did I feel the need to produce music—something that I hadn’t been taught as a child, something that I’d learned a little, for a few years, in my twenties, but something that, ultimately, I didn’t have time or the tools to pursue in the same way that I can now—with the help of a computer—something that I can compose music with, and play my music on, without a lot of experience with an instrument—or many instruments, as the case may be.

     I’d been watching Anna on social media a little and i heard her talking about people getting rushed into a relationship with a loser, and by loser she meant someone that doesn’t respect women, but i got the impression she might have meant a little more than that, even if she wasn’t saying it, and I also got the distinct impression that she would define me as a loser, in part, i guess, because of my desires, which could be interpreted, by some, as involving a lack of respect for women, and, also, because of the fact that I had written, in the past, about her relationship with her boyfriend, what i viewed as a certain degree of being in love with herself, and, also, her weight.  I think she would definitely assume that I was disrespecting her, when, well, what am I supposed to do?  She’s a public figure, I have a book to write, a book that, mind you, is not the same thing as openly disrespecting someone in public, but, rather, it’s a book, a form of entertainment.  Also, I wasn’t trying to attack her—I was thinking out loud, trying to process the fact that she doesn’t want me, and, that, after a while, I began to lose interest in her.  She no longer seemed to be my Ursula, and, while I do not rule out the possibility, as time goes on, the possibility, even in a heaven in which she might like me, seems to remain unlikely.  There are other women out there that I might want more, and, in saying that, well, I mean no disrespect.  Just like I mean no disrespect when I write a book.  I don’t go overboard, I changed the name around, it’s a work of fiction, and, also, it’s just a book—it’s not a confrontation.

     Well, I’d been living in a world in which almost every lover I imagined was blond, and, indeed, that seemed to be what I wanted, but Anna’s resurgence—her dark hair and eyes, provided some contrast, and got me to thinking that, after spending x amount of time with x amount of blonds, i might find that darker hair and or a darker complexion were, as it had seemed when I was focused, mostly, on Anna, actually on the table.  So i backed off a little bit from this assumption that, although, in general, i seemed to favor blonds, i might necessarily be meant for a blond—when, in fact, i just haven’t met someone that would prove me wrong.  I think the point, ultimately, wasn’t whether or not you were blond with blue eyes—indeed, i believed that, in heaven, we, from time to time, could change some things about the way we looked, possibly even permanently, although, once in heaven, I’m not sure i understand why we’d want to—but the point, i think, was that we could understand each other.  That for me, might’ve meant that my lover was not entirely straight and or monogamous, but it didn’t necessarily mean that.  It could just mean that she understood that about me—and or I understood that, or not that, about her.