Made it, last night, all the way to ten, watching TV, without a hot shower, then read more than I read last night, and felt a little better.  I don’t know what exactly made this possible, or what, exactly, the previous nights, made it so difficult, but I thought it had something to do with this writing, integrating my experience, and letting Jesus occupy my body.  It’s 7:57, now, and I’ve downed one cup of coffee, and the plan, today, is to drink three cups of coffee, two tea bags of caffeinated black tea, and one Dr. Pepper.  But I might have two Dr. Peppers depending on what time it is.  Then, the plan, if possible, is to do what I did last night: three episodes of Blue Bloods, a show about a New York City police commissioner and his family, then read for a half an hour.  Maybe that’s wishful thinking—so many things could go wrong, but that’s the end game—that’s the routine I’m trying to establish, a routine that should work for the rest of  my life—with or without a partner.

   So I made it until about 9:15 last night, doing reasonably well, but, at that point, I started to get restless—I’d already had two ginger ales, so a third wasn’t going to do much.  So I decided I needed to take a hot shower—and reconsider whether I was going to try and watch more TV or not.  So I washed up with soap and water and a rag at the sink, to get a better idea of what that was like, and then I took a hot shower, and I felt a little better—it was past 9:30, then, and, I didn’t think I had any more TV or soda pop in me, so I thought I would use my showered state to help me read—to see if I could read a little.  I would have like to read longer—and I was restless while reading, but I made it for about 20  minutes, or about ten pages, and then it was about 10:00, so I made it, and I turned out the lights, and did not sleep great, but slept better than I did the night before.  Got my clock around 6:30 or 7:00, listened to it and gathered my thoughts until about 7:30, and got up, so, all in all, last night went much better than the night before—and I just figured—maybe I just can’t stand to watch more than about two episodes of a show after dinner, up until around 9:15, and then I need to shower and practice getting used to reading again—maybe I can train myself to read for a longer period of time, and really enjoy it.  So my plan was to try that, tonight.  About two shows, shower, and read until about ten, and hopefully longer, if I can relax enough. 

   Well, I hit a wall last night.  I was incredibly restless, and soda pop wasn’t working, and I ended up on the floor doing a yoga exercise for my back where I put my feet behind my head and rested them on a chair.  The tension I was feeling, some sexual tension, but, I think, mostly just tension in general, was unbearable, and, around 9:20, I couldn’t stand to watch TV any longer, and I was forced to go to bed, and hope that I would be able to relax, and sleep.  So what happened?  Some things changed, but I don’t know how much of that had something to do with it, as the changes I made were intended to help.  Anyhow, I thought, maybe a hot shower is waking me up, and, besides, I don’t know that I feel like going through the ordeal, so I just washed up with a rag.  And I hadn’t taken any risperidone from the night before.  But that was about it.  So what was I going to do?  Did I need to go back to taking a hot shower to get through the night?  It seemed like I shouldn’t have to deal with it if it felt like work, which, last night, it did, so I felt that, in a way, I was still running from something, so, in a sense, you might say I was allowing other things to bubble to the surface.  But come on!  How long is this bubbling to the surface shit going to last?  When am I going to finally be myself?

  I had three cups of coffee yesterday and three Dr. Peppers, which put me at 360 mg of caffein.  I was still a little wired at dinner time.  Too restless to read—barely made it to ten watching TV.  Must have got to sleep around 11:00, slept until 3:00 and then I was pretty much left to my breathing and my thoughts, until 6:00, which is when I got up.  I did not take my magnesium glycinate the night before, and I only took 50 mg of trazadone, instead of 100 mg, to see what would happen.  There are so many variables at play, so I cannot draw any definitive conclusions, but, since I need the caffeine to work easily and happily, and the magnesium glycinate and the extra 50 mg of trazadone didn’t seem to be doing anything, I figured I’d still drink 360 mg of caffeine today—no more than that—and I figured I’d start taking the magnesium glycinate in the morning, since, when I started taking it, around the time I quit taking risperidone, I started having trouble sleeping.  The fact that the rice flour makes me feel like I’m ingesting cocaine may have some kind of placebo effect on me—that could be a real mental hurdle, I figured, since I think of cocaine when I look at it.  Somehow, in my mind, if only because of the timing, it seems to keep  me awake, even if the effect is purely mental, a consequence of observing that, when I started taking it, I started having trouble sleeping, and then, after a while, associating the big pill of white powder with staying awake.