I want to be in harmony with the universe like you i told her, then, that, “i’m anxious when i’m not doing anything,” which, for the most part, is true. I only achieve happiness when, overall, the waves i produce while and from actively creating something are at play. Furthermore, part of the reason that I create so many things is that, to be blunt, there isn’t a whole lot out there that i like to read—or even watch on TV. So, no, I’m not in harmony with the universe all the time—or, if I am, it happens globally; i, in this life, in this form, still experience anxiety, yearning, the blues, etc. I do incorporate that into my work, and, in so doing, find harmony, but when I’m not doing that, or I’m at an impasse, i feel no small degree of anxiety and or boredom.
It’s my hope that, as my connection to the next life improves, I’ll find a solution that fixes this; that is to say, i’ll get closer to myself, there, and a woman, or the occasional woman, there, such that, overall, I’m not in a hurry to lose myself in my creations—i’ll be able to enjoy the spaces in between. that makes me feel a little more sane yeah, i wondered, a little, what this woman, this manifestation of my Ursula, my female God, was like, in this life, when it came to her mental health. Was she, like me, forced to take medication to block out all the trickle down garbage that ended up in the telepathic continuum? Was she subject, without assistance, to sudden changes of mood—or constant anxiety? And if she had assistance, did that assistance also, for her, like it certainly had and might continue to do with me, force her to eat less, and suffer from hunger pains, or, as the case may be, make it difficult for her to have and or enjoy sex?
Furthermore, did she live under the constant anxiety that she might find herself frigid, regardless of whether or not she was taking medication, when she met me? I certainly had some ingrained block that wouldn’t allow me to form a girlfriend—I could only assume that was because I hadn’t meet the right one and or my purpose in this life did not allow for that kind of companionship—but, i wondered, if I did meet the right one, and i was allowed this experience, would i be able to engage? Or would i discover that, in fact, I would never meet the right one in this life, because, as the case may be, my purpose in this life doesn’t allow it. For whatever reasons, my calling, here, would not bee realized, in full, if I partnered, or tried to partner, with someone. Was she, in this life, the same way?
My purpose in life is to serve those i love ”yes, in a way, that’s my purpose, too—i just wonder if i, in this life, can truly be in love.” Now, to be clear, I was all in, 100 percent, so, when I put something in quotes, i usually mean that I actually projected Ursulas voice, and said this, in my head. i wondered, too, had she been with other men, and, if so, how many or how few? Did it matter? Well, yes, i felt that it did: I couldn’t understand how sleeping around could feel right if she’s as unique as she must be in order to be right for me. On the other hand, she didn’t need anything like an erection to be with someone—all she had to do was spread her legs, and, frankly, if I didn’t have an erection impediment, i would’ve been, out of sheer boredom, with a number of people. So, to be fair, none, too few, or too many, was kind of irrelevant. The point was—who is she right now? The person that I’m talking to? That’s what mattered.
I thought about asking her, just out or curiosity, and a little wishful thinking, if she was with anybody right now, but I decided not to ask, since, to ask the question might make her feel bad if she was with someone, and it might make her lonely if she wasn’t—if, that is, she was talking to me unconsciously, and wondering, a little, in her conscious mind, where the hell I am, and if, on the other hand, I was around, and she, therefore, must’ve been doing something wrong. But I kept getting the distinct impression that she wasn’t with anybody, so I asked her anyhow, and she said: no without elaborating—so i had no way of knowing, and maybe i didn’t want to know, how much, or how little, real time experience she might’ve had. Personally, as I’d gotten older, and realized all that I actually hadn’t gotten out of the experiences that I’d had, had come to believe that imaginary experience is just as valid as real time experience. Therefore, I might’ve secretly hoped that she had more imaginary experience than real time experience, but I certainly understood, otherwise, so I didn’t say anything.