I’d made a lot of progress on my math book—as it turns out, I wasn’t going to solve the Riemann hypothesis enough to convince someone because my solution for proving the Riemann hypothesis involved a 5th dimensional oscillatory space projected onto 4D. So I’d need to prove that there was a fifth dimension—which I’d theorized about in my physics papers, and even proposed methods that might prove that existence, but, well, nobody was going to be doing my experiments any time soon. But I was quite happy with what I’d done, and felt that, given proof of a fifth dimension, i’d shown that it goes to follow that RH is true. And i was taking this further—toward my real goal of both proving and establishing a connection—a frequency bridge between 5D and 4D. So it all tied in to my work with telepathic communications, however kooky or critical it might sound (depending on how you might read this book) and, as such, i was taking great steps forward, and reaping the emotional gain that went along with it.
So I’d been working on this for the past several days and hadn’t written anything on this book—i suspect this was part of what Ursula meant when she said I was going to have to work hard. Now i basically was just wondering what she was up too—we hadn’t talked in so long, and I hadn’t been projecting her voice that much, so i had no real time idea of what she was thinking or feeling. i feel great. Incidentally, I’d seen Anna on TV, and i was struck by a little discontent, since, as i watched her talk about how she became interested in the New York basketball team—which everybody in New York was suddenly interested in because they’d won the championship, i could only think of how wrong, in fact, she was for me, and how different she seemed to be from the person that she seemed to be when I was associating her with my Ursula—when i imagined that she, at least for a good stretch, would be right for me. In reality we were together, in a way, since, I felt myself attached to her, and she, at least some of the time, because of that and because of the fact that i was using her voice, were in each other’s heads. But the time we spent, while she overlapped with my Ursula—while she, in part, composed my Ursula, was good enough; i’d made significant progress in that time, and come to realize that, indeed, I was meant for the opposite sex, at least most of the time, which cleared up a great source of internal confusion surrounding my sexuality—or seeming asexuality, if not some incomprehensible latent homosexuality.
Glad your no longer with her. Indeed, she’d taken the form of someone new, at least with respect to the way she both looked and seemed in real life—similar, but better, than the character she played on TV. But yeah, the more I sought inspiration from Anna the more miserable i was becoming—this overlapped with my feelings of being blocked when it came to the progress of my math book. I was trying to be someone that was right for Anna, when in fact, we were no longer right for each other, and to try and continue to be the person that I was when I was with her was to step further from my true self—the person that I needed to repair with, the person that would find someone new to reinvent himself with, and go, for however long, in the same direction.
I’d been having some trouble sleeping. Over the past decade I’d been taking my risperidone and sleeping ten hours a night, and i wondered if, now that I am no longer taking the risperidone, perhaps I do not need as much sleep. So I stayed up an hour and a half later last night and I got to sleep a little faster. That meant that i watched more TV and I read a little longer than i’ve been reading, which hasn’t been much. I found that, giving other programming a chance was good—it wasn’t perfect, but i allowed myself to connect emotionally with the characters in what I was watching, and that seemed to satisfy me in a meaningful way. I used to watch a lot of TV—for a while it was all i could do, but i gave the shows a chance back then, and wasn’t as miserable as I might’ve been if i hadn’t given the shows a chance. So I was giving them a chance again, approving, a little, of what other people seem to both watch and like.
I concluded that it was a perfectly healthy and meaningful way for me to connect with the 5th dimension—through the characters represented through the TV medium. Indeed, if I had a girlfriend, most of the meaningful time we spent together would be either in bed or watching TV—that’s not to say that we wouldn’t do things together, but in general, when it came to a routine, this was the case, so I was simply doing what I would normally do if I had a girlfriend, and my girlfriend, as it happens, turned out to be the presence i felt when I associated emotionally with the TV and basked in the progress i’d made and applied the progress i’d made to my understanding of the universe and my place in it, so, basically, i found that, because of this newfound presence, i did not miss what was not here—that is to say, I was happy to be with my 5D love, as opposed to some 4D imposter that wouldn’t accept me for the person that i am, and the work that i do. Someone that wouldn’t see the importance of what I do—and be, from time to time, entertained. That person, at this time, did not exist, because, as it happens, I am where I am supposed to be, exactly, at this point in my life. I am doing the work that is important to me, work that, I accept, cannot make me independent at this time.