tuning into Ursula, now, still using our passwords to signal that we were “online.” you think you love me was she gaslighting me like my last girlfriend did? trying to tell me that I’m a closet case that needs to do some soul searching because, well, I didn’t want to have sex with her until she lost all that weight—and, because, of course, she was standoffish, didn’t take care of herself, and, perhaps most of all, she had no patience for a man that is impotent? it’s a relief, actually, that I didn’t have sex with her—she proved herself beneath me. suddenly my mind went haywire, as I listened in, and I couldn’t help but worry about many of my canvases having not shipped yet—and when I should go online and torture myself trying to figure out what is wrong and when i can expect them to ship. I interpret that, in this context, as me worrying about whether or not I’ll be able to get Ursula pregnant before she hits menopause.
you think you love me so she was apologizing for that; i think she was beginning to realize that all was not right on this side of paradise—both sides, actually—and so she was feeling a little insecure. Breaking up will do that to you—in fact, I can’t help but wonder if she was thinking of her boyfriend when she said that. I imagined, sometimes, that she got the two of us confused due to complications of being pioneers of telepathic communications. i had to consider: if i was the center of the universe, then she wasn’t, and therefore I couldn’t expect her to have the same abilities. i’m at least close to the center! and she’s right, she was. But being at the center of the universe was a little problematic when you had to consider that someone was your equal. That the real person you’re talking to is from the future and possesses an equally powerful vantage point in the fifth dimension. That was inevitably the case—which is why I wanted to raise a family with her.
then it occurred to me that once we got together, she’d start to dress more provocatively when we went out to try and confirm that the effect she had on me was similar to the effect she had on other people, too. She wanted to use all that built in sex appeal that seemingly contradicts her being a good person in order to go farther, too. She wanted more from everybody else, and, I think, mainly, anyhow, she wanted more from me. She wanted as much as she could get—and then she wanted to go out and confirm that yes, she is not only good—but a bonafide sex symbol as well. If it was so important to her, then i thought, why not? It opens doors for me, too. But she was quick to remind me that the way I dress and behave was also a strategy. That i wanted to confirm her love by being what other women want, at least, that is, when we went to events.
But what about dressing to kill when you’re not going out together? When it’s just you? What are you trying to do, then? There’s nobody there to stop you from flirting your way into somebody’s area, and, well, doing to me what I was prepared to do with her? I had a waitress girlfriend once, and Ursula was once a waitress, and, well, no doubt, that person didn’t care about whether or not I needed her help—as long as she wasn’t getting that constant affirmation of her beauty she, well, did whatever she had to do to build herself back up—to try and catch up to the person she thought she would be, before, that is, she regained the weight that she lost when she started dating me. So did i have reservations about the fact that Ursula once worked as a waitress? Well, I did, but, to be fair, I was also interested in whether or not being a waitress carried over to how she behaved in the bedroom—i.e. screwing for tips.
If Ursula was nervous about me, well, I was a little nervous about her, too—and, given what I knew about telepathic communications and how they worked, i might’ve been getting what I wanted; so now we were scrambling to try and figure out if wanting this was a good idea—if we were the people we thought we were; i thought about it, and, well, I decided that yes, this was happening, and yes, i wanted her. Let’s keep this fun i think she said that for my benefit, because Ursula didn’t think of affairs as fun—she, like me, thought of them as dangerous. Necessary, sometimes, even though they shouldn’t be, but potentially changing your life in such a way that your life got worse—you’d find yourself worse off than you had been when you, out of some strange itch, decided to engage.
you’ve got it all figured out yeah, i kind of did. this is happening—i just don’t know how and i completely agreed. We were definitely on the same page, so long, that is, as we were talking to our overall selves—and didn’t, given the chance, make the mistake of thinking that something you learned through telepathic communications with your overall self—past and future—was going to line up with the present version of that person. In short, I might’ve been talking to the Ursula that I’d already won over, and that person might’ve been saying, this is happening, but, in reality, the work you’d have to put in to win that person over, in many ways, had yet to be done. The future is a conditional realm, and it only comes true if you constantly reinforce the condition that makes that future possible—otherwise you’re just daydreaming.