day 1: 5 mg instead of 10 mg of Lexapro. Known to cause constipation and force sexual side-effects, such as not being about to have an orgasm, which, as a man, once, would have been difficult to imagine. so what was changing? Well we were only about five hours into it, but over the past few days we’d added bottled green tea into the rotation—something to slow down the escalating water and Dr. Pepper drinking. Am at 3 cans of Dr. Pepper; need to be at 2, i think (for my teeth). several cans of water a day was just getting expensive—and, anyhow, i didn’t want to depend on it. I needed to be able to work without the constant stimulation of the back of my throat—forcing out dopamine, that, honestly, was probably getting blocked, in large part, by the risperidone. But let’s get real: at one time i might have had interesting thoughts—but I couldn’t control them, and they usually involved getting persecuted by some hateful reality of people that were constantly dumping their back on me.
I couldn’t go back to that—so, risperidone? So, we’ll see what happens over the next six weeks with respect to the Lexapro. might’ve developed a semi, etc., over night but stimulation did not stimulate—absolutely no desire, for man or woman. Didn’t want to screw a child or a horse, either—nothing, not even taboo things (thankfully), crossed my mind; so: no invasive thoughts, but no desire for anything at all either. It’s a real problem, since, well, you need to be ready to meet somebody, don’t you? You can’t meet somebody and say: “hold on, i might lose my mind if I have sex with you, and, otherwise, i might never have sex with you.” but we were working on it, and Ursula was basically just telling me to take my time. But yeah, ideally, well, i’d be known well enough to cross her path, she’d find my work inviting, and, in turn, she’d invite me in—and, well, then, if all goes well, I’d get her pregnant at least once.
Living the dream—i say that because I did not exactly imagine that I would ever be famous enough to get her attention—especially within the next nine years, since you can’t really expect to have children when your older than 44. I guess she might’ve thought me lousy for entertaining the thought that, if she couldn’t have children, then it could be a dealbreaker, so, yeah, what am i doing? hoping for a miracle? It would be nice if we could somehow push menopause further off into the distance, along with our lifespans, which i believed, in this day and age, barring cancer or other obnoxious diseases, would be extended. but yeah, i had her on the line, she was talking about the back door being open—although, I have to admit, I was skeptical, if not downright cynical, about that. This was the main problem with dating someone that didn’t dye their hair and or have a brain. They’re not like that so you’re pretty much screwed if you’re like me, and you are like that.
But hey—the AG (attorney general) got fired; that was good news. but yeah, the replacement might not prove any better—save by not being Pam Bondi, of course. At least we’d have someone that was different, someone that could entertain us with their own shenanigans, another person that, well, we could hold accountable and prosecute. Prosecuting them all was the whole point—but, damn the Biden administration for not prosecuting Jack Daniels before he got reelected, and protected, love, by a lopsided court. As a matter of fact, I don’t even like Joe Biden. I don’t like these so called moderate democrats that are basically closet republicans with little or no backbone when it comes to taxing the rich. Now, you might say: what if you were rich and everybody was taking huge amounts of money out of your pocket? Well, I’d say, three generations of my family, at least, will never have to work, and, also, they’ll be able to live the way they want to live; so bring it on—what else can I do with all that money? Save it for some other greedy pig to horde? No, I’d say take it, if, that is, and only if, it goes to working class Americans—absolutely not to the department of defense.
So yeah, this is basically the kind of conversation I imagined I’d be having with Ursula in real life; we were speaking at ease; but we didn’t always have to focus on analyzing our relationship (to make it better, of course) or politics, either. But, then again, why not? Isn’t this, fundamentally, what we’re about? The love we feel, and the “supernatural” direction it was taking us—as well as the direction that this country was taking; the direction, in fact, that, as the white man flopped like a fish to regain control, we, as a planet, needed to go in? things in the afterlife would probably be pretty much the same as they are here—although I haven’t quite figured out if we’ll need to look old to our children, and young to our parents; it seems to me that we’ll all be in our primes—and the boundaries that we put up between us would be integral, already, to our relationship(s), and, as such, we’d get the best of both worlds. The security of being watched over, and the importance of looking after others. Spacing, just like in music, was key.