Working on Zoom which is an app that lets you see and talk to each other through your screens; it was important—and i was the only person that could do it—and i was worked up, i had all this restless energy from being out of my routine and doing something that was similar to what we do in telepathic communications. but who was i talking to right now? i suppose the best way to talk to multiple people in a meeting is to intone my voice on the consonants and the vowels at the same time and wait for different voices to sound off, but I wasn’t interested in that right now—I wanted to talk to Ursula. pass me the mic so she wanted to speak to everybody that i was connected to? if that was what she wanted then fine; i would listen for other voices too, so i did, right then, which, well, if she had the mic, then i should be projecting her voice alone, right? On both the consonants and vowels. So I did that.
you wish upon a mountain . . . and your true love goes down in flames! what was all this talk about my true love or my one true love? Hadn’t I already analyzed myself and concluded that, in fact, i moved too quickly through the cosmos to keep up with one person alone? that it was better for me to go ten years with someone and then reattach to someone that was still growing? And might be able to get pregnant? but let’s face it: i was too busy to be working periodically in and out of relationships; and, furthermore, you only wanted to have as many children as you can look after. so once you have them, if you have them, you don’t really need to have them again—that is time consuming, even if you have the money to keep them safe; you also have to teach them how to be themselves and deal with whatever complications might arise from being a product of your genes—such as, in my case, mental illness, and alcoholism.
So, I didn’t like to let my loved ones go, i could only realistically expect to have a few children, if that many, and, furthermore, I was too busy for affairs. That meant that one woman—one partner—was right for me overall; and, although I have a soft spot for bleak blonds from Sweden (those prone to Nordic Noir), i hadn’t found one, yet, that could compete with my interest in Ursula—a person that i felt would continue to grow, whereas most women, even bleak Swedish women, quit growing once they married—and, if they didn’t marry, well, they might max out at forty or they might prove interesting—something that I kept in mind; but, like i said, i’d never met anybody that could top what Ursula had to offer, and, considering the fact that she very well could be the first Latine and first woman and youngest president of all time, that was highly unlikely.
but here i am spewing out words without giving much thought to projecting and internalizing Ursula’s voice—just her voice—her frequency, her microphone. she might’ve been talking to both me and others—that was something i had to consider, in this case. But she would have been simultaneously talking to me. i turn on my heater and think, for a moment, in peace i’m pleased, aren’t i, with the direction you’re going in? now, just because she had the mic didn’t mean she was talking to everybody; it just meant that she was talking to the people that were listening—that were related through the topic or purpose of the meeting. So she might or might not have been talking to both her boyfriend and me at the same time. But i think, honestly, that she is not talking to her boyfriend in this particular meeting because he wouldn’t have wanted to talk to me, and Ursula, i imagine, wanted to keep us separate for the sanity of everybody involved.
you’re on the right track—don’t give up so easily. but i wasn’t giving up; i was just pacing myself. Burning flames and heartache weren’t going to do me any good—anyhow. Union between us likely wouldn’t happen until after she became president. but who are you to think i’ll let you get close to me when i am president? She had a fair point. So what was she really saying? That she wasn’t particularly interested in having children—and, well, by the time i became famous enough to pique her interest, well, she would have hit menopause? That wasn’t fair to me—and i was a little irritated. I wanted to pique her interest when I could still get her pregnant. I was mad at her, in part, because of this, since, as it happens, I believe that I deserve her love. After all, don’t i work harder than most?
Schizophrenia is a mess; you think you’re closer to people than you really are—since, even if you are talking to them, you’re talking to a general idea of them—not the mortal, temporal person that lives, presently, in this life. hold on and i would, and i was; We clash like titans praise to Allah, praise to Allah but she and i both know that Muslims take themselves too seriously—or, if they don’t, they want to control “their” women beyond what, in my mind, is healthy and fair. So maybe it’s the other way around. If they don’t take themselves seriously enough, they turn to violence; if they take themselves too seriously, they expect to be worshipped—with zero chance of an affair ever taking place. But wait—do the men get to have affairs? But that’s my point—affairs are needed, at times, when we go unloved—and greater love—falling in love—is an option.
Am i currently in love with Ursula? Yes—with the idea of Ursula, the person that lives across the great divide; and, although I would say that i love Ursula, the woman that would be president, this is all too futuristic to be true, in plain terms, right here and right now. So, a fan, yes, but I’m also taking my medication, and no, I’ve never had any interaction with this person; if i did, i almost certainly would be in love (if I can overcome my condition, which, dare i say, holds me back?) but no, you don’t fall in love with someone unless you can touch each other; unless you have a physical relationship—unless, of course, you’re not taking your medication, and, even then, well, especially then, what you feel is not what they feel, so, technically, you’re not in love—you’re merely infatuated—in love with an idea, something that remains to be realized.
So there—that was the substance of her broadcast—she was explaining, to me, and those that connect, through me, to her, that she is not exactly the same version as the person that, right now, is aiming for the presidency. That that person is not in love with me, and won’t be, until we can touch each other’s bodies, and, well, make love. Being in love, and making love, went hand in hand—those things usually happened around the same time—unless, of course, you see no future to begin with, and everything, for you, is casual and or disturbed—an affront to the future of the human race. Healthy people always allow for a future, if, that is, they are sleeping with someone; it’s not about machismo or anti-machismo—it’s about backchanneling, and establishing bonds, which, by definition, point to a future together. Yeah—she was letting me down, letting us down, and keeping everything on realistic footing, and yet, because of that, she was clearly interested in pursuing something—an address that made it possible for us to understand each other.