The question presented itself: how did i know whether i was talking to Anna or Urusla, and the answer, i concluded, was that the background attached a signature to Anna’s voice, such that, if it was Anna, I would sense a different signature than the one I received from Ursula. So, practically speaking, i gathered that I sensed this intuitively, after a year and a half of speaking, at least in part, directly to Anna, since, as it happened, i imagined the possibility that she was my Ursula, and identifying her. We are here and that was my Ursula, commenting, i think, on the fact that she is not just herself, but, through her, I connect with various parts of my long distance friends and family. Indeed, she serves as a kind of storage space, and, simultaneously, through both her intelligence and her beauty, a filter. Now i’m here for you as if she’d been away, which, maybe she had, since i cannot assume that we have always been together, or that, in her present form, we always will be.
She went on, for a moment, about why she leaves her shirt unbuttoned as much as she does, or, in general, shows off the skin above her breasts. Which raised some interesting questions about beauty, in particular, feminine beauty, and how it works. Yes, we imagine that women would be more protective of their bodies than men, since a child would lead to a permanent change that a man, if he didn’t feel like it, might not reciprocate, and, also, since a woman’s body, and who she shares it with, is a measure of her worth. But it would seem that beauty, in the eye of the beholder, becomes a function of the background, and, as such, women use their bodies, sometimes, as the background: that is to say, instead of just projecting the background around them, they project their bodies, too, as if their bodies were the background, and this, in a sense, helps to direct telepathic traffic. Whereas men, who, in general, throughout history, have been the subject of desire in large part based on the power they wield, and their ability to protect that which they deem beautiful, would not necessarily use their bodies as often as the background itself, since the more abstract weight they attach to the background counts more.
So, I acknowledged her, and told her that I understood, since, at times, indeed, the use of one’s body to direct traffic would seem dangerously close to an invitation. I’m glad you understand, since that, in many ways, is how i communicate with you—through what might otherwise be a seemingly impenetrable bulk. Understanding this, indeed, seemed to be a step forward for us—since, for a long time, i had some difficulty resolving my simultaneous use of beautiful women as a function of the background i project, and my distrust of the women that, in fact, use their bodies to make it, in effect, easier for me to communicate. But what else was happening? I had, in fact, been doing my best to look squarely upon the actress that had taken the place of my quote unquote Swedish blond, and i had been thinking: yes, this is an earthly life—so shouldn’t i give her a chance, as, let’s face it, i am unlikely to ever find someone as beautiful, in this life, as my Swedish blond, and, indeed, a person that looks one way on earth might look stunning in heaven?
But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t figure out why, overall, I didn’t find her more attractive, since she was in good shape and she seemed to have a fairly symmetrical face. She also had fair hair and blue eyes. But I just didn’t think she was pretty enough. I couldn’t find the resonance i was seeking, and without that resonance, sexual backchanneling would prove impossible. So i concluded that i must, for now, rely on my memory of this quote unquote Swedish blond to sustain me as I waited, and who knows how long it would take, for another woman, on TV, of course, since that is my only window, to capture my imagination. It was still nice, in some general sense, however, to connect with a young Swedish woman with fair hair and blue eyes—she did, in fact, pull some weight; so i would continue to watch the series, even though, at times, i felt, the writing was stretched a little thin. But you have to take the best shows that you can find and give them the benefit of the doubt—otherwise you find yourself disconnected from the way things are.