Turned the heat up a little in the shower—i miss the relaxed, focused, measured mornings i had when taking a bath; so i think i won’t turn the fan on tomorrow, and make the place my own little fifteen minute sauna, as I shower and shave. So, too, i find myself, in spite of my dehumidifier, listening for the sound of my clock, and writing this, now, at 9:26 AM, as opposed to noon, or after painting, often in the late afternoon. There can be a special kind of zen that goes with the morning hours, when the mind is both fresh, and, having reset itself, leaving you, at that time in your life, to your true self—still unaffected by the oncoming events, and the drama, of the day. In this moment, recovering some of that zen, potentially tapping into my bath zen without taking a bath, seemed more important than securing some increment of knowledge or theory that would back up my faith. At this moment, instead, it seemed more important to simply be, to engage my faith through meditation, and faith alone. I think this might have something to do with what I’ve been missing: i’ve been so determined to make sense of the universe, and prove my faith, that i’ve been neglecting faith itself—faith as it’s own form of science, it’s own path, in and of itself. I need, i think, to practice mindfully setting my doubts, and my logic, aside, in order to grow spiritually, in order to believe based on belief, and the feelings i get when I believe, or choose to believe, something in a certain way.
Why should i need science to believe what cannot be disproved? That there is a higher power, and that our consciousness goes on, after death, to no end? If it can’t be disproved, if we can never truly know the limits of the universe, then, it seems to me, that, in fact, for me, at least, allowing doubt to interfere with that which makes me feel good—and at one with the universe—is a mortal error. So, i considered—all the tension that had been building in me over the last several months as I dedicated myself primarily to physics, and the math that goes with it, however necessarily, had reached a kind of critical density. I was exhausted, and it was too difficult to relax, having strayed from my zen, my true self, in order, ironically, to become more like myself. To further engage my true self. But I’d done that, now, and I’d realized—along with the seeming craziness, for example, of trying to force something to be true, such as some notion that superimposing frequencies could lead to tessering, or using the fifth dimension, the tesseract, to shift through time and space—that science, without the insights of others, and the future, i.e., better AI, and a couple, or a few, revolutionary geniuses, could only take me so far—that, in fact, i’d never be able to prove all that i needed and wanted to prove, in order to make my faith something that could not be disputed, that could come to be accepted as fact, as the way things are, and always were, meant to be.
So i needed to go, a little, in the other direction—possibly shifting up my routine, if it helped me to recover my mornings, and my zen. Perhaps that meant running the dehumidifier in the afternoon, or even at night, if i wanted to tune in, hardcore, to my clock, all day—but that probably would’ve been overdoing it a little, as I surely did, in Mormon town, when I took everything too far—discovering my limits, and how far I might really go, but, nonetheless, going too far, exceedingly too far, and suffering unnecessarily out of sheer stubbornness and pride. It was a little hard to sustain a three second count, inhaling for three seconds and exhaling for three seconds, while writing, so i’d shifted, in this moment, to a two count, which is something, if i remember correctly, that I also experimented with in Mormon town, while moving around—or simply as a change of pace. Ultimately a two second count is a little short—but if your moving around, or doing something, it can help you to stay on point.
So, when i was thinking, i was trying to tune to a three second count, and when I was actually writing I was trying to stay tuned to a two second count. Also, I’d thought, over the last day—having relied almost exclusively on Anna’s voice, that I might continue to do so, even though i never had before: why not be with my Ursula while watching TV, or resting, in bed? In the long run it seemed best to rely on my voice—tuning to my 5D self, when going about my day, or resting in bed—if i tuned to any voice while resting in bed, which, often enough, i thought was a bad idea, that i should tune out every voice and just listen to the sound of my breathing—as i needed to be true to myself, first, as, only in doing that, could I be true to Ursula, but, for the time being, given the difficulty I was having with conjuring Ursula’s voice above the background noise, and, given my desirer to spend time, in this life, with the woman of my dreams, it seemed that, sure, it might be a good idea to spend more time channeling Anna’s voice, my Ursula, as opposed to just relying on my 5D self, and the idea that he, at least, had a love life. In channeling Ursula’s voice, I too could have a love life, in my own way, in this 4D life, which meant something especially important if, in the end, eternal life is a function of where the human race is going, in the future, as opposed to a function of what happens to us after death. But even if we go to immortal life after death, i still wanted to get as much as I could out of my 4D life—to allow it to be a true microcosm of my 5D life, a life that involved love in and of its own right, to the full measurer of what my faith, and the science i pursued, would allow.
Yes, it seemed that i would have to run the dehumidifier at some other time if I wanted to recover my mornings. I would turn it off now but I don’t want to stop it mid-cycle, and i don’t want to run it again, later today. I needed, then, I’d decided, not only to find reason to believe, but to mindfully choose to believe—not just blindly, but in that which made me feel good, that which seemed beautiful and true, that which made me feel at one with the universe. Next, I wondered, would my 4D work, and my paintings, be available in the life to come—even before the eventual merger, far in the future, when mankind crosses over into 5D, and lives eternally, without ever dying at all? And i figured, well, everything has a corresponding 5D coordinate, and that 5D coordinate relates, in its own way, to both 4D coordinates in this 4D universe, and, also, to 4D coordinates in the 5D universe, so yes, if my work, and my paintings, were essential to me, and or to others, then the 5D universe would find a place for that, somehow, in the grand design that is our universal conscious mind.