I will not let, you, of all people, have power over me but who was Ursula talking too? it sounded like she had directed the statement to me, but she had no reason to hate me, so i concluded that she was writing this book with me—she said what she wanted me to write. I know it’s a precarious situation, here, since, how can i ever be certain that Ursula is into this, and not, as it were, full of gall? But I also know that I’m talking to Ursula from the future—the Ursula—and she and I are very much writing together. The voice, this time, was so clear, and sounded so much alike, that it almost had to come from the other side. But there was another possibility. It is possible to communicate with the other side, but cross-dimensional effects can be tiny, and so it was also possible that Ursula was learning how to speak to me from this side of the coin.
Four syllable breathing, inhaling four beats and exhaling four beats, was getting re-integrated into the system, which made it possible to connect in a different way. i saw, now, in my mind’s eye (was speaking through your mind’s eye a product of four count breathing?) a Venusian—a tall skinny blonde that was in the mental health ward with me; she was wearing a blanket wrapped around her shoulders—she said she’d been in the place before—got out, and then went right back in. I don’t know what her story was—she said she worked in retail, but she might’ve been a drug addled stripper. What did this mean? When I asked the question, Ursula popped into my head—so I inferred (as you must when learning a language) that she was sending me the imagery—somehow this Venusian was relevant with respect to my relationship with Ursula, or, on the other hand, she just wanted me to write about the stuff that was encoded by the imagery.
I didn’t want this woman—and it was clear that she had no interest in me (how ridiculous would it be to start an affair with another rock bottom individual that wasn’t even attracted to me?) and so I wondered: is Ursula asking if I want her? Perhaps she’d seen my latest post—acknowledging my sexuality as an unknown variable, and, indeed, i couldn’t make Ursula any promises, since, as of right now, a physical relationship was completely dependent on how I felt when I was in her presence. Otherwise i might just love her as a spirit guide. So i told Ursula that I was thinking of the governor of Missouri stating that he’d redrawn his congressional districts to favor republicans, and I sent that to her because I wanted to say, among many things encoded by the visual: of course i side with you (like the governor of Missouri sided with Jack Daniels)—but I’m not going to uproot my life for someone unless I know that someone really wants me—in a stable state of mind—and I mean the real me, the one that you have to get to know over time.
So i posted the message in a kind of anti-parallel way—one vector pointing in one direction and another pointing in the opposite direction. That is to say, the message had a serious and negative outside to protect the information inside—and, she could interpret for herself—if I hadn’t told her already, that I sided with her (as opposed to Jack Daniels), and, also, I wasn’t going to root up my life to be with someone that I didn’t have a serious relationship with (like the governor of Missouri uprooted Missouri)—and I wasn’t going to jump into bed with someone I might not even like—which could only lead to failure and the continuous concern that i don’t like girls—which wasn’t true; i did like girls: i just felt inadequate because the only thing most people would see is my disability—as opposed to my talents. So I was insecure—and there was nothing i could do about it but proceed in a serious and sober fashion until i found somebody that I wanted to be with—which probably wasn’t going to be a man, since, as it happens, I don’t think of romance when it comes to men—just the opposite actually.
Make of that what you will—I certainly do, and, therefore, I stand by the fact that I’m queer—interested in girls but unable to perform, and disinterested in men but capable, approximately half the time, of performing. Now i see a message from Ursula—it translates as a man preaching on the street, outside a church (in a neighborhood) and another man holding a sign that says, “loves anal.” The preacher was ignoring him—i don’t know if he felt ashamed or not. I certainly did—so I interpreted this to mean—protect yourself—of course, but don’t let hateful people keep you from going about your business—which was a friendly thing to say, as if she was interested, but understood, too, that there was some statistical chance that i’d want something different in the future—she kept this in mind. That’s what i wanted her to do—but, to be honest, i think that chance—that i’d want romance with a man instead of a woman, interferes, a little, with who i am. So I re-sent the image of the governor of Missouri—as if to say, “I’m willing to think about uprooting my life if i can meet my needs somewhere else, such as, for example, the world that you live in.”
Now the pressing question was: “do you need sex with men? If you’re seeing me, then do you also want to see men? Or will we share a monogamous relationship? So I said, that depends on the relationship that develops between us—in other words, if we live up to my expectations, then we will be whatever makes the two of us simultaneously happy—it depends on what you want—not just what I want—or think I want, which, I understand, could be you. Ultimately, however, I think the answer to her question was this: “you fall in love with the person—not the gender, or the equipment, on either side of the fence.” If that person, in my case, was probably a woman, then, so be it.