8
So, as you might infer, from the above, I’d gone on this big foray into imagining how the 5D potentials worked, and how big or small your property might be, and what that would mean when it comes to your ideal property, their ideal property, or a combination of the two. Of course, it’s heaven, so your property is your ideal property, so what I mean to say is that you might have some initial preference for something before changing your mind—as a function of what the initial preference of others might be—both for you and for them, and their view of your property. I’d been doing this, as well as addressing other physics questions, for days—i’d been working after dinner, even, and stressing myself out, although, fortunately, my sleep pattern remained reasonably sound—i was just stressed out when i was awake, even if, somehow, thankfully, i was able put things, and the tension in my neck, back, and shoulders, out of my mind long enough to fall asleep in a decent, if not ideal, amount of time.
But i remained a little dismayed by the notion that i didn’t exactly belong in this time period—that, although I might have some influence over driving the human race toward heaven on earth, not only would i never get there myself, but, also, i’d never stop yearning for something that i couldn’t have—something that was beyond my control, something that i could only imagine, and tell myself i’d secure in the life to come, if there is a life to come—which, believing in, as i must, to be happy in my deprived state, is a daily struggle. My soda pop habit was getting expensive, but, i reminded myself, my parents both live and lived successful lives, and they love me, and look after me, so this life isn’t all that bad, no matter how much i might want something beyond this. Something beyond having little to live for but my creations—which, in and of themselves, were plenty to live for, but that didn’t change the fact that i relied on them a little more than i would, given the chance—and the ability to relax—which, i didn’t exactly have, since, again, I lived in a time period that didn’t align with who and what i am.
I belonged at some point in a distant future, in which i would be provided for by my country, and able to raise a family of my own, and live a life that realized my fantasies—as opposed to suppressing them. I belonged in a time period in which science, and AI, were more advanced than they are now, a time in which it wasn’t so difficult to believe in a life to come, a life after death. I lived the excitement, of course, of getting us there, and experiencing things for the first time, for myself, in my own way—instead of through someone else’s lens, and their way of seeing the world, but, honestly, it seemed that so much of what i relied on, to fuel my beliefs in a life to come—and an eventual, acceptable 4D life—a life, for example, in which we would be able to travel vast distances in space in little time, and populate other planets—was so difficult to believe. I tried to imagine, for example, that space travel was a function of superimposing two specific frequencies, and, in so doing, aligning with the 5D coordinates, but, really, when I thought about it, realistically, it seemed to me that superimposing two frequencies would accomplish absolutely nothing. So I wished someone else out there had already discovered how to travel vast distances through space in little or no time—something that was more believable, that might involve some new physics and technology—real physical forces.
I know the stress, the angst i was feeling, stemmed, in part, however, from the fact that i wasn’t writing, and integrating my emotions. But I would have been more stressed if I ignored the pressing questions i had, and the philosophical and physical work that, at least to me, was very important—more important than some seemingly random addition to a poem, or a novel, which, given how things were going for me, I could do at almost any time, whereas, it seemed, certainly, that the questions i was asking and the answers i was getting depended heavily on what was happening, for me, right here and right now. They were an integral part of my life—and they supported my idea that i might be made whole in a life to come, which was more important than anything, even if all this came at some small expense of assuming that, in some cases, the ends justified the means—that the happy path, in fact, was not always entirely happy, and that, although you might have thought or been told by a monk or something that you cannot achieve happiness, that it must be lived from the moment and to the moment, really there were times when some things were more important than a modicum of happiness. That, in fact, although you might not be able to achieve happiness, you could, in some small way, do something short term in order to secure it, or more of it than you would otherwise have, in the future.
I might say that’s why i never married, if i didn’t already know that i can’t change what I was and am, and, also, that my options weren’t that great—that my condition simply gave people a chance to show their true colors, and that, no matter what i did, or how i treated them, I probably would have ended up divorced, and worse off than i am now—particularly since my creative endeavors, which define me, would have been seriously threatened. So i don’t regret whatever resistance i might’ve felt when it comes to being with another person—or, in effect, stringing someone along without intending to fully commit to them, either because of imperfections i simply couldn’t get past, or romance away, or, perhaps more to the point, because of some notion that at some point my life would change, and i would have plenty of options—more perfect options, and options that wouldn’t require, in order to be happy, a permanent commitment.
that does it, then—you’re all i want. “So you’re on the line again?” I never left. I have to admit, at night, after a day’s work, while watching TV, i longed for the feeling I used to get from cigarettes and alcohol, when i was young, and my body was more perfect and didn’t reject me—a feeling that I was connected to the world in a meaningful way, and that, not only did i want sex, but, with the assistance, could get past my inhibitions and perform long enough to get some small glimpse of what perfection might be like. In short, i lived with the continual belief that my 4D life, at some point, was going to change, and I would achieve some acceptable notion of perfection—with or without reliance on a life to come. But I can’t create that feeling any more—and, besides, it was a manufactured feeling—i was manufacturing faith that my life was going to change. I was manufacturing a feeling of connection, and, if not a belief in the life to come, a belief in myself that trumped any potential thought that, in fact, there was no life to come.