Nen, nen, nin, non, non, nun . . . my counting mechanism—designed to keep me in tune with the divine. Replacing my voice—for this hour, or so—with Ursula’s voice. But hey, I wasn’t feeling great—thinking i had a little fever, yesterday, and still, somewhat, today—after a restless night, and this feeling that Latuda somehow multiplies the effect of caffeine. For the time being I’m Dr. Pepper free, since I’m already feeling a little jittery and weak, partly from the fever, i guess, but partly, too, as if I drank to much caffeine. Changing medications is turning out to be kind of hairy, and I’m thinking i might go back to taking the trazadone (the sleep aid) every night—just like i was, sexual side effects be damned. Those sexual side effects weren’t like the effect I was getting from tamsulosin, escitalopram, and risperidone, and so I figured it was worth it. After all—let’s keep it real—I’m not married, and, even if I was, frankly, some sexual dysfunction was kind of irrelevant when compared to my overall well-being. I wasn’t, and I might likely never be, sexually active again.
You’re such a tease and, indeed, i was glad that Ursula had some sense of humor about this; because it would be easy to think that she can’t be the object of my desire if, for example, I couldn’t physically manifest the longing that i felt. A lot of people, the wrong people, would think I’m a sham, and choose to have nothing to do with me. but you’re not a sham—and i’m not a sham, either that was important, too—that she wouldn’t doubt herself based on what I was and wasn’t capable of. I should note, now, that I am experiencing a change. I don’t see Anna in my mind, every time, now, that I project her voice. I’m still using her voice, but I see a Swedish blond—someone that I’m watching on TV, an actor in a bleak detective series based on some books I read a while back—before I exhausted Scandinavian literature.
Now, is this a little painful? Yes, it is, hence my intense yearning, of late, for the divine. I don’t believe, in the life to come, that we feel a lot, if any, pain. I don’t believe that we will continue to long for Him without satisfaction, since we will be at peace with ourselves and our bodies. I was experiencing something else—too, something that i experienced from time to time in my schizophrenic state, years ago. This feeling of mild feel good chemicals going into my brain—a mild tingling sensation that started in my back and my shoulder muscles and moved up into the back of my head. I don’t know what that means. For example, am I deprived of my normal feel good chemicals, and struggling to feel good, and these waves are the vestiges of what I should be feeling in general all the time? Or are they feel good chemicals that were previously blocked or mitigated by my medication? Was I experiencing too many feel good chemicals at once, and, because of that, I would soon experience a deficit? Did the medication somehow prevent this?
I had to consider, too—did all the medication somehow interfere with the areas of my brain that i tapped into when engaging in telepathic communications? Now, before you think to yourself, “here we go . . .” or something like that, let me assure you—I didn’t stop taking antipsychotics. I stopped taking one that raised my prolactin levels, and i stopped taking an antidepressant called Lexapro. But I was still taking an antidepressant called Wellbutrin. And i took my trazadone last night. And—to be sure, these thoughts about telepathic communications were ongoing when I was taking all of the medications i was formerly taking. But I had to wonder—did i have something to look forward too, as I adapted to the new routine? Would i discover a clearer channel, or be connected, somehow, in a more meaningful way? I certainly hoped so. I expected things to change, at this time, because of the medication change and, also, because of the availability created by my realization that Anna was no longer right for me—not only that we’d never be together, but that, also, she wasn’t a suitable partner—at least not anymore, if, that is, you consider our time together as a form of being together as partners would be.
As for today—was i going to drink any Dr. Pepper at all? It was getting late—it was noon already—so, apprarently not—that’s how weak and jittery i already felt, as if I’d had a few cans in a row, and needed to stop. I love you and, i had to admit, maybe i shouldn’t document things like that—as they sound, and may very well be, a product of wishful thinking. But, as we earlier postulated, telepathic communications, when working correctly, are going to sound a lot like something that we want to hear. That’s because they simultaneously tune out bad telepathic communications—destructive energy that comes from people dumping their backs—choosing death over life, as the case may be—and tunes in likeminded souls that are connected precisely because they have something in common. That agreement, naturally, is going to make everything sound too good to be true—hence, to some extent, feelings of doubt. But, again, as with my faith, my doubts work in both directions, and I’m left with the deciding vote—do I choose to believe, or do I give in to something that would be less than ideal?