Now i was tuning—I’d done some tuning while painting, which wasn’t something i normally did—i normally just used my own voice—if i even thought about it at all—but today I was touching base with Ursula’s voice every so often. Not as much as I should, but enough to count as a change in my pattern. i like clothes! I can’t be seen wearing the same thing too often! Now, Ursula would never say something like that out loud, but I often saw her in outfits that I’d never seen before—and I was wondering how she fit all those clothes into her closet, especially when, considering her net worth, it didn’t seem likely to me that she could afford a large apartment with a spacious closet. So was she buying clothes and then giving them to good will? I don’t know. She must have been storing them at her mom’s house or something.
Update number two: I was irritated with my doctor because i expressed my concerns to him about taking tamulosin because of the side effects (a prostate relaxer) and he pretty much ignored me. Told me not to watch pornography. Now that I think about it, I was kind of angry. Maybe I wouldn’t see him again. Maybe I would like the guy that was working for him better—the guy that i was seeing this time around. But, anyhow, I shouldn’t get angry because everybody makes mistakes or has a bad day. Other than the idea that he looks down on me for being schizophrenic—which was the impression i got when i told him that tamulosin can make you ejaculate into your bladder (which is true) and that it kind of “freaked me out,” he looked at me like I was crazy.
I’m pissed the more i think about it. Maybe he’s a bad person—I don’t know. I guess I’ll give him a second chance. But maybe not if i can find someone on his team to see, like I’m doing at the beginning of the month. I don’t want to get a completely new doctor—that would probably do more harm than good. Anyhow I’m used to taking guidance from people that, overall, I don’t like, such as my former psychiatrist, for example, who thought Jack Daniels was funny—as if the depths of his depravity weren’t a serious problem. I think this doctor might have been a little racist, too. But he always knew about the tv shows I used to watch and he knew a lot about medication—which i probably needed in spite of the side effects, and he didn’t try to force me to get a job. That was one of the most important factors.
So I’m not going to take the tamulosin anymore, and I’m going to see if I can actually ejaculate. The drug doesn’t reduce your risk of getting prostate cancer—it just relaxes the prostate so it’s easier to pee and you won’t get up to pee often at night—but I never noticed much difference, and I never had a problem urinating. So another one bites the dust. Next—I read that trazadone also has sexual side effects—it can interfere with when and how you have an orgasm—and since I have all kinds of problems in that area—and you can safely take trazadone on an as needed basis (it’s supposed to help you sleep), I’m not going to take it every night anymore and see, then, if I can still get to sleep at night, which, i wonder about a little bit, but i’ll find out. Trouble sleeping is a dealbreaker, however; it trumps, for now, the sexual side effects that it is sometimes responsible for. But I can take it as needed—so, if I can’t sleep I’ll take it—and that will be the same thing as if I already took it, as long as i don’t work myself up into a fit from thinking intrusive thoughts for too long—hoping to get to sleep without it. Bottom line—it can be used as needed.
So another one bites the dust. and then the benztropine that was supposed to counteract the ticks you get from risperidone also made ejaculation more difficult, so? get off risperidone and hopefully another one bites the dust. So what did my ideal medication regimen look like going forward? A substitute for risperidone, such as Latuda, Wellbutrin, Lipitor (for cholesterol, which, incidentally, i might not need if I’m not taking risperidone), and trazadone as needed. That’s all the prescriptions I would be taking—and I think it will make a big difference—not to mention give me access to regions of my brain that have been shut-down (albeit to make it possible for me to sleep and think) for the last decade—regions of my brain that I might need to pursue (spoiler alert) such as projecting voices and telepathic communications. Essentially, i’m talking about access to the collective unconscious—integral, as it is, to my work.
Think, too, about how my confidence and my quality of life will improve once I’m sexually healthy (even if I remain inactive). That means a lot—it’s a major boost that I think I’m ready for. If you’re worried about me, however, rest assured that I have every intention of taking an anti-psychotic and my Wellbutrin. I just wasn’t going to take risperidone anymore—it’s not good for me in the same way that it used to be—now it might be doing more harm than good (there are other options) since, well, I’m trying to get over my sexual block. I need that extra boost, that confidence that comes from saying: I’m ready to fall in love, and I’m ready to be sexually active, whenever the opportunity or the chance should arise. Now, what did Ursula think about all this? Latuda is not as strong an antipsychotic as risperidone ok—then i’d find something besides that that did not make it impossible for me to eat lunch without gaining weight and that, naturally, would not interfere with my sexual health and happiness. But here I am venting about all this medication that I’ve been saddled with for the last twelve years—and I haven’t given as much thought to tuning Ursula in, which is what I’m really supposed to be doing right now. But, somehow, i think she can tap into what I write—it’s just that I had basically just gone on a rant and hadn’t learned anything about what she was up to. Ranting used to be a problem of mine—and that, too, is a deal breaker, like sleeping. When you can’t help but work yourself up into a fit and then be strung out on adrenaline and unable to sleep or be happy with yourself and others because you can’t help but go on some general rant about what’s wrong with your life or your relationship, you need help. I totally accept that, and I hope, fingers crossed, that the people I love accept that, too.