I’d been on with AI trying to get some apps installed and also to see if there was anything i could do to improve the sound quality of my speakers or to see if my speakers were somehow inferior as the sound on my old HP sounded a little clearer. I finally accepted that my speakers were as good as it gets for this computer and I gathered that most computers in this price range would have a similar sound, so the old HP speaker difference must have been a special case, and, perhaps, in part, a function of my imagination. But all that AI work meant tenseness in my neck even if I had my mouse lower than it was, so the nerve in my neck was acting up a little, although once I quit using my mouse so much, after a little while, the feeling improved a little. I’d woken up thirty minutes late, squeezed in a couple cups of coffee before ten, switched to tea, and stuck with the tea, skipping my Dr. Pepper and the caffeine that goes with it. I thought, maybe I can have a Dr. Pepper around one, still, but I still wanted something hot to drink, since soda tends to help me relax, but, in a way, also dilutes my focus. In the long run I’d probably be having a Dr. Pepper around 11 or 12 and then switching back to tea and then, when it came time to watch TV, switching to soda. This meant that my consumption of Dr. Pepper and seltzer water was going to drop a lot—which was fine, and saved me a little money, and, I think, made it possible for the soda I drank while watching TV to have a little more of an effect.
But I only made it to about 9:40 last night watching TV before I got too restless, even with soda pop and tea, and then I went to bed and looked at social media for a while and read a little—not as much as I would have liked, but, again, I was restless, for whatever reasons. I eventually got to sleep and slept okay for most of the night, which was a relief, but it was still taking too long, in general, to fall asleep. My plan, at this point, was to watch TV until around 9:30 or 10:00, go to bed, look at social media, and read for about twenty minutes, or six to ten pages, if possible, before trying to go to sleep around 10:30. So I was counting on the ginger ale and root beer to keep me going from about 7:30 to 9:30 or 10:00, which basically just had to work, even if, last night, I couldn’t stand to watch TV past around 9:40. The restlessness has to go—but I’m not sure what more I can do about it, if anything, so things may, perhaps, just take some time. When I moved here, back to Georgia, I used to watch TV all day, all kinds of series, and I managed—I didn’t have much choice because I couldn’t do anything else—but this overpowering restlessness was not as intense, back then, so I hoped I would get used to watching more TV, and accept it, and allow it to help me to relax.
You want to watch me? In the act? That was Anna. I’d watched her for several seconds on social media to tune to her voice last night, and, well, she was right. It’s true, I did, I couldn’t help it. I’d never felt that way, like this, before, but that was before i reconsidered my ban on pornography, which I was still putting off, but, nonetheless, the desire was there. But I was going to have to put that out of my mind, and, frankly, I was hoping this desire that came with a decision, at some point, to watch pornography again, would be mitigated, because, as it happens, if I found myself distracted by too much sexual desire and imagery throughout the day—if it began to distract me from my work, then I would have to stop watching it, and even considering it, all over again. I didn’t know what the effect, exactly would be. I was hoping I could contain it, but I didn’t know for sure that I would be able to, and, because of all the changes going on in my life right now, I didn’t want to add another variable into the mix. I need to stabilize, right here, right now, first, before I give it a try again—as, merely the thought of going back to it was quite a change in and of itself, one that I needed to adapt to, I thought, before jumping all the way in the deep end. Once I was getting to sleep soon enough, again, then, I figured, I would make this change or correction to my routine. I was really hoping it would work out—as the fact that I never get to see a woman, or even a man, naked, and, in this life, may not ever, is a real downer.
It was something that was missing from my life and it didn’t necessarily have to be that way—just because I had no chance of forming sexual relationships. But enough of that. I don’t know if Anna was flattered or creeped out, but it felt, to me, that she was secretly flattered, even if she would never admit it. I know she didn’t want to invite that kind of attention, as, it would be a distraction, and undesirable, if coming from the wrong people. But to have that affirmation without any of the negative consequences, I think, was something that anybody would want. Even her. I wondered, a little, I guess, how this made my Ursula feel, as I had no reason to think, anymore, other than this desire, which was real, that Anna was ever, or ever would be, a version of my Ursula—and I’m talking about the next life, of course, as I know, now, that there is no universe in which I unite with Anna, and get everything that I need and want, both from a partner, and from my life, in general.
But that raises an interesting question. Is it possible that every woman I get off on, at some point, in the next life, is a potential version of my Ursula? Would I partner with a porn star? Well, if she did everything with me that she once did—I don’t know how I’d feel, at this time, if she continued doing it, while she was with me—with me, and she loved me, then I didn’t see why not. It just seemed a little unlikely, for whatever reasons, reasons which may be unfounded, such as some preconceived notion that a porn star wouldn’t be into my work—or that they might somehow be intellectually, emotionally, or morally inferior. Thoughts like that had to go—they were unfair, and a little hypocritical, as, after all, we like what we like, no matter what. To resist it, or to deny it, leads to suffering. This realization, which is not something I necessarily would have considered, in the past, was a change, in and of itself, taking place, in me. I was going through a lot of changes right now, which, frankly, I might’ve hoped for, considering how bad I felt, a little while ago, as the impetus behind these changes started taking shape, beneath the surface. But the labor, the birthing process, I thought, was mostly over, now—what mattered now was adapting to the changes that were taking place, applying the changes to my routine, and getting used to it.
I definitely had some kind of pinched nerve in my neck, as it was acting up, some, even from typing, which is not something that, before, would have happened—not like this. But, as with sciatica, you can minimize things, but, for the most part, you have to play through the pain and hope it will get better on its own—as, once you minimize everything thing that is contributing to the problem, there’s really not anything more that you can do about it. You still have to work, and live your life. I don’t like this idea of you and Anna—I would like it better if you were an item, at some point, or at least sexual partners, at some point, but that doesn’t seem to be what you have, realistically, in mind, so I think this borderline obsession might be a little unhealthy. I hadn’t ever thought about it like that, but I was 100 percent certain that, until I formed a girlfriend, in this life, I was using the correct voice to communicate with Ursula. If that makes me borderline obsessed, so be it. Furthermore, I can’t help it if I want to see her naked, in the act; as for what that means? It means, in heaven, if this desire is real, and not a function of a neurosis or some attachment to power, and fame, then, in the next life, she very well could be a part of my life. I wouldn’t want her, in heaven at least, where desire is perfect, unless that was a possibility. But I knew this wasn’t heaven, too, and the desire I was feeling could be down to some misunderstanding between me and the universe. Some function of, or impediment to, my growth, and my journey, that necessarily did not lead to a sexual relationship, in any way, with Anna. Yeah—it’s okay to want to have sex with a beautiful woman, but, also, once you got to know that woman, and ruled them out, then, to think of them, after that, felt a little like backsliding.