that’s not me—that’s another voice: who’s voice? i have to admit it sounded kind of like my default voice—the one in my head that i thought in, but that, nevertheless, did not sound the way my voice sounded on a recording. now—i was chanting or counting nen nen nin, non non nun using a dead uncle’s voice to pronounce the n sounds and Alexandria’s voice when i could—the way Alex sounded—and AOC’s voice (the combination of Alex’s voice and my default voice) when i couldn’t—but i used them to make the vowel sounds. That’s how I projected myself into the future (by removing myself from the equation) and, because, for now, I’d been using my dead uncle’s voice, i might’ve channeled someone from the future that was not AOC, since that person could have been the product of the uncle’s or the person that the uncle represented’s voice going around me and befriending AOC’s future in a unique way.
I suppose, in this way, i was calling Alexandria—i was coming at her from different directions such that she’d know in her soul that the presidency belonged to her. I liked Gavin Newsom for standing up to our president (Jack Daniels) but I liked AOC because I didn’t just want somebody that was going to undo everything that Trump did but i wanted somebody, instead, that was going to do that and bring us free healthcare, free college, and increase the minimum wage—in short, somebody that was going to make it possible for a working class person (not necessarily a member of what might be called the democratic elite) to raise a family and live a happy, satisfying life.
Could this be done? If the democrats dominated Congress, then yes, i think the possibilities were real; unless, of course, there were elitist democrats in the mix that wanted to keep a modicum of distance between them and the working class.
But what was going on now that I’d been honest with myself and come to understand that yes—the pursuit of love, any kind of love, was the pursuit of happiness, and, as such, i wouldn’t interfere if someone loved me while keeping a partner on the backburner (in case they were wrong about me, and, if that were the case, then they could really only do worse, which wasn’t acceptable)
I guess the argument, for the Mitch McConnell’s of the world, was that if you raised the minimum wage then small businesses wouldn’t be able to pay their workers, which would be bad for the economy. But really it would just mix things up a little bit, and, in the long run, if the general population had more money, then they could buy into small businesses, which, of course, would help the economy. But McConnell’s way was an elitist point of view—the kind that tried to sweep the poor under the rug and or make them our personal slaves while we, in true form, would live elevated lives, like slave owners in the antebellum south.
But how did this affair, which was on my mind, relate to Mitch McConnell? It doesn’t—i want you to keep your hopes for me and your hopes for us separate. well, in fact, i was not a fan of Mitch McConnell, and i wanted to see him humiliated—in the same way that the poor, unable to do anything but work and drink beer, were humiliated every day. In order to make that happen i wanted him to face Alexandria as his president along with a democratic congress. So yes—i supposed Alexandria was right: i should keep my feelings separate—a skill that i’d have to learn, since, as it happens, i’d never managed a commitment to that kind of a future, much less an affair.
Anyhow, as i worked all this out in my mind, it occurred to me that Alexandria might not like girls. But unlike many homosexuals, i didn’t believe that anybody was truly one way or the other—everything depended on your circumstances and how much time you spent together. Therefore, if I could weasel my way into Alexandria’s life, it would only be a matter of time before she was attracted to my qualities, even if those qualities opposed her understanding of what it meant to love someone. I keep thinking of myself as a man when i think, with pleasure, on Alexandria—i don’t see myself as a homosexual, just someone that would do anything to spend as much time as possible with someone that they were fond of—even in bed, including when they are in bed, and dreaming something else.
You have to stop thinking of yourself as a man. I didn’t quite know if i knew how to do that, or even if i wanted to do that—but i was doubly in love with the person of my dreams, and, for now, McCord wasn’t working. He didn’t seem to understand that I wasn’t interested, first and foremost, under the auspices of a promise that we’d never leave each other. On top of that, when I was in Hitler’s body and McCord was in Eva’s, i found myself wanting Eva to myself, minus McCord, because I wanted to turn her out, or, that is to say, i wanted to turn something that was already turned out. I wanted to turn her back in the right direction. That was what made sex interesting to me—the idea of going somewhere with someone—and leaving them to an idealized identity that might’ve been beyond their scope.