i want to be the president: i don’t care about anything else but that wasn’t true, or, if it was, she meant that everything she does is consistent with a presidential arc. AOC was back to asking me all kinds of questions that were difficult to answer, and I answered them, and I thought about how I should answer others that she hadn’t asked—but most of those questions were about a time in my life when I wanted to get married to a white woman—preferably a blond.
Any racist tendencies i might have had were a function of frustration—i had no idea how unattractive i was to the opposite sex, and I got angry that i had to leave my home to find a white woman to marry, only to discover that no white woman wanted to be with me. That made me get more and more sarcastic with respect to the way the white race was treating me—i wasn’t trying to get white people to side with me—or even convince some non-existent blond to date me; i was determined, instead, to expose the state of Utah (the state i lived in for a time) and, in so doing, overcoming my personal struggles and the idea that—and here’s the catch—although Hitler was evil, people were getting away with evil using Hitler to hide themselves from the evil that existed in themselves.
I was pretty furious about it—and i became exceedingly sarcastic—but, unfortunately, nobody was there to appreciate it: i felt that i was under attack on all sides, instead, probably because, as it happened, I was doing nothing but playing offense without anybody or anything to back me up. I was forced, after this mission, and it was a mission of sorts, to start over, and relearn how to do everything without cigarettes, alcohol, and, at times, sausage and cheese.
But any sympathy i might’ve had for the dead (as opposed to alive) Adolph Hitler, was flipped on its head when i tried to live inside his brain for a while, using my risperidone to get the job done—and since, technically, risperidone was pretty much the reason i could do anything anymore, i trusted that i needed to be there, in his mind, for reasons such as putting right things that once went wrong—in so much as helping people that had no direct impact on history, or, if they, did, nobody knew anything about me or them since, technically, they were them because of the good i’d done, in retrospect, already—without respect or contingency to the history that, without me, would have otherwise been. Make no mistake: Hitler was evil, and white supremacy is evil, too.
Now, i know what you’re saying: how can you be straight if you were openly looking for a white woman to marry—you’re a woman, you know that, right? And the answer is that i got more out of relationships with women than i did with men—no matter how much i used men (McCord, basically) for sex.
I don’t know if those answers answered whatever it was that AOC wanted to know—but they should have, and, if they didn’t, we’d be at a loss, since i had no other way to summarize and explain our time apart (time spent in the past—the imperfect past, which, for some reason, we always want to know about when we’re dating someone).
Basically, if you don’t know what you’re doing, sarcasm is a tool that can turn on you and make your life miserable. Especially when others (that never appreciated your sarcasm) regain control of the room.
Now AOC was really putting me on the spot. She’d discovered that I had referred to Gavin Newsom as my hope, but there was something about him (or me) that didn’t sit right with the situation, and it wasn’t just the swearing. I had this feeling that I didn’t want to see him not become the president now, because i didn’t want him to get his feelings hurt, and turn on others, if he didn’t become president—because, after all, everybody, apparently, wanted him to be president. He was standing up to Jack Daniels, and, in some ways, bullying him back, which was less than perfect, but somebody had to do it—otherwise Jack Daniels would simply be encouraged to keep going—making decisions that could only make the majority of the American people unhappy. Anyhow—i wanted AOC in the office. you’re my first choice but i’d roll with Gavin Newsom—and his sarcasm, if, for whatever reasons, AOC didn’t get the votes she deserved.