AOC was saying something now, about a car—i know she’d gotten a car several years ago but i don’t know if she still had one. She could’ve been getting rides everywhere, now—I don’t know. But what did she want to say about a car? That it’s working? And what did you mean by that? She meant that i was related to her car—by i don’t know if she knew she meant this or not. She said, however, that that was the case, and she was happy with the direction her life was taking—with or without a significant other: (she didn’t need to be loving someone to function—she just wanted to). I have to admit I was puzzled. “How long,” Alex asked, “has it been since you had a girlfriend?”
“It was never a sexual relationship,” I said.
“What’s wrong with you, then?”
But, in fact, AOC didn’t say that. I was venting my insecurities, hoping for reassurances—that our bond would prove true (as opposed to a writer’s that would follow a story wherever it may lead).
So, yes—now, since AOC sounded wise, and even a little keen, I had to ask: as i get closer and closer to AOC, will i become increasingly uncertain about my feelings for her? I hoped not. But I couldn’t control my feelings: if I was in love with AOC right now, and then AOC discovered me, and I no longer had feelings for AOC, then, well, Alex was an adult, and she’d have to accept that I could use her (i don’t have a lot of friends) as a friend, but the sexual aspect of the relationship, at that point, might prove redundant (if, for example, i should discover that i’m waiting for someone else, or, for example, i should discover that I have no interest in a sexual relationship.
Anything was possible in the future, if, for example, AOC should morph into someone else. But, i didn’t think that was going to happen: she was pretty, and, by the time any real connection could be established, i would’ve made a name of myself. It appeared, then, that I was in a tricky situation: i had to decipher whether my excitement over a bond with AOC was really excitement over her or over the possibility that I was gaining a little momentum. Then, again, i don’t know why i wouldn’t want both things to happen—it’s not like i had my eyes set on someone else—I, in fact, felt no sexual desire for anyone—which, considering I wasn’t in a relationship, meant the world to me.
you mean the world to me and i was pleased to hear it, but, considering that AOC had no knowledge of me, then I had to consider that she was talking to herself—or her orphan, her infinitesimal point in the future that converged at a certain number (or point in the future), called a limit.
Then AOC wanted to know what my number was. As if there were a hierarchy of limits out there, and she was hoping (i guess) that she was somehow in a better position than I was. Or maybe she was just trying to get some sense of where she fit into the future—so I told her that the smaller my number got the bigger her number got and vice versa, as if we formed an ellipse of definite area. what does that mean? “It means you have a chance, but don’t let it go to your head,” my AOC said in private.
But let’s face it—i didn’t need a sexual relationship to determine my self-worth or to be happy in general. I was already happy in general, and, while, I believed there was a sexual part of me that was dormant, and had been dormant for quite some time, I also believed that happiness is a function of how you adapt to your surroundings. I trusted, then, that if I had a place to direct sexual energy, then that energy would emerge and, in doing so, bring me closer to the point at which i was now focusing my energy—a point that, at this point, could very well converge with AOC, but, also, a point that could very well bring me closer to God.