8
“I am here to do whatever you want me to do,” (AOC). AOC was angry (at me?) at a police officer that once pulled me over and could’ve taken a disliking to my attitude. I could only assume, that, in my mind’s eye, I represented AOC and the police officer represented me. I hadn’t been drinking, just driving a little slow—so what was up? Did AOC feel that I was overdoing it, perhaps going on a power trip? Did she think I was a control freak? Or, on the other hand, was AOC doing something wrong? But why did I think AOC always had to be talking about me? We had a relationship, now, and she might’ve wanted to talk about something else. If that were the case, then what, based on context, could she be talking about?
I figured, then, that she meant that it felt like her world was picking on her for no good reason—and threatening to put her in jail because she expressed her frustration. I took that to mean that there were people set in their ways that didn’t like AOC—likely because of something she couldn’t control, such as, for example, her mutant status. I don’t know what made her so different, other than her abilities, so she must’ve felt that she’d be persecuted or treated badly if she didn’t keep her abilities hidden. Adding to that, people must’ve sensed that she was hiding something and disliked her because of that.
The sky’s the limit encouraging words, from AOC, that i was happy to hear: i didn’t like the idea of her being in a cave with a bunch of tubes coming out of her as people did their tests (as if she were an alien human that we, heretofore, knew nothing about). So I was glad. She was going to make a wonderful partner to somebody; i guess they’d fill in for me until I made it to heaven and assumed the parts of AOC that made her real to me—in the same way that I responded to Alex because of her politics. You don’t have me yet “But I want you now!” was my reply (to Alex) but I had some real idea that Alex was with someone else for a reason and they weren’t just filling in. That said, Alex, or someone behind her or someone she represented was talking to me—we were having conversations almost every day around eleven o’clock AM.
“You can’t hear me, yet,” (AOC). “I hear plenty,” I said, but I also considered the possibility that AOC meant I couldn’t hear the person behind Alex that was a realistic voice I should have been listening to. They, perhaps, were my true partner in heaven. “We are going together,” I said. Where? I heard another voice, then. Far away from here? Who was that if not a possible partner and or friend that would replace, in a healthy way, whatever unhealthy feelings i might’ve had for Alex? So I tried to address them by saying, “We are going together,” and “far away from here.”
I wasn’t going anywhere any time soon, though, so I had to admit, my transference mightn’t necessarily have found a new home just yet. “What do you think?” I intoned in this strange new voice. i don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. But this person needed to know: “That’s because I regulate the amount of atemporal information that everybody would direct at me.” Cool.
The only problem was that I needed a real person to project my feelings onto—knowing what someone looked like was important when using your mind’s eye to send messages. So for now I was content to imagine that my true love looked like Alex, even if, actually, she didn’t, and they were completely different people. I had to keep that in mind. I don’t care if you see other women (Alex). That, indeed, was a pointed barb, because I wanted to believe that Alex did care—but I gather that Alex might’ve been saying that the woman I was looking for was behind her, and, if she appeared elsewhere, I had every right to be with her, since, as it happens, she had no apparent intention to leave her boyfriend, who, in fact, was her fiancé.