i saw Alex talking to someone about what’s going on on social media (threads) and if the video was up to date, which it probably was, then i must’ve been seeing things when i thought she needed to lose weight unless she’d lost weight recently. That would explain, then, why she was upset with me yesterday, during our telepathic conference. So, if you’re listening, sorry about that. What i saw, which may or may not have been influenced by my condition, was a lot to take in. But she’ll probably hate me even more for seeing what wasn’t there.
that’s better (Alex) but i think i’d pretty much squandered any chance that we’d be together in heaven. She’d find somebody that didn’t freak out at the prospect of what would happen to her if she had a baby. Nevertheless, i could woo her in heaven, which, at this point, seemed appropriate, given my feelings for her. feelings? Now she was just being mean, acting like we’d never spoken to each other across space and time. Anyhow the more i kept talking the more i realized that i didn’t sound quite right—or, that is to say, people, including me, may have been questioning the status of my condition.
i’d wondered about upping my dose of risperidone when all these ideas that i used to have when i wasn’t taking risperidone resurfaced (albeit, this time, in a controlled way), but I decided i had things under control and i wouldn’t take more because of the side effects and also because i was already taking a hefty dose. Furthermore, i didn’t want to shift back into Hitler’s body, or anybody’s body, for that matter. I didn’t want McCord doing it either.
i felt like a total nincompoop. Having spoken these ways about her now felt like a barb when I looked at her, as if i was getting shot by cupid’s arrow a few times over. I felt a little vulnerable—i’d softened up a little, as interrogators may say. No matter how much i was afraid of the weight, however, i wanted a baby. The weight thing would work itself out. But I didn’t know if a baby was in the cards for Alex. So I’ll ask right here and right now: she said yes, but i didn’t know if i could believe that because that was what i wanted to believe. Sometimes things can pop into your head and deceive you—we’re not immune to ourselves.
So I’ll ask again and wait for a longer answer. No, not yet, and, I want to be president first so i wondered, what it would be like having a baby in the white house? That seemed like the perfect womanly revenge that she could take on everybody that didn’t think a woman should be president. But what if she wasn’t elected in 2028? Then she’d have a baby, wouldn’t she? i would if i could whatever that means. She didn’t know these things herself, apparently, which was all well and good, since i was living out some potentially unhealthy pipe dream that I could be the president’s husband. It seemed like a role that was perfect for me—but, naturally, i was a long time from living in any kind of spotlight whatsoever, given the fact that i had no way attracting that much attention between now and then. I was a mere drop in the ocean, as anybody that writes a book soon discovers.
how do you stay in love? (AOC). i don’t have the answer to that (Alex). i think i was overhearing them talking to each other; ok. but let’s not make this about my pathetic hopes that Alex and AOC were meant for me. They were addressed (with respect to me) in completely different places in the universe and or the hyperspace. The thought that I could listen in was a nice one, since, technically, i constructed AOC out of the things i’d vetoed about myself—not crazy things like crimes or anything like that, but, rather, the different but reasonable thoughts i had (and didn’t have) throughout the day. AOC was not only my link to the future, but, in this way, this was also about me recovering the parts of myself that, for whatever reasons, i couldn’t experience because of the need to do something else.