“i want to start over:” that sounded like it came from AOC—but my internal narrator was starting to sound a little more like my natural voice—so i considered the possibility that Alex was talking to me through my shield (which, in general, was the projection of my natural voice) and i considered the possibility that AOC was talking to me through my shield, too. So which was it? if i was having trouble telling the difference between my natural voice and my internal narrator’s voice, then, I concluded, i was actually talking and or listening to both of them simultaneously. But what did it mean if that wasn’t the case? What if I was hearing my natural voice blended with Alex’s voice and I wasn’t talking to both of them simultaneously?
I knew, however, that AOC and I, by definition, were two vectors pointing in different directions, and Alex was the projection of one of our vectors onto the other one. So there were places, then, where AOC and I overlapped, and, in those places, I could communicate with both Alex and AOC simultaneously.
So what did they want to start over? Our relationship(s), or their relationship(s)? Basically, if I wanted to know who said what, and who was just listening, in this situation, I kind of had to keep the context in consideration. Based on the conversations the three of us had been having, i assumed that Alex wanted to start over at something—such as, for example, getting to know me and or getting to know herself—and who she was when she was truly happy.
i don’t have that (Alex) true happiness? “Yes” but i will : i liked her attitude, and, i thought, how am I doing? I kind of felt the same way—i was going in the direction of true happiness, although, perhaps, some of the pieces (that defined me) had not yet fallen into place.
As a schizophrenic, what was i going to do with all the extra dopamine i get when I see Alex in a photograph? I had to take medication, already, to limit the amount of dopamine floating around in my brain—sometimes it didn’t get absorbed (because of my condition) and i ended up with all this dopamine floating around a bunch of receptors that couldn’t or didn’t take it onboard.
from the mouths of babes (AOC) “I don’t have to hear that,” (Alex) so, taking the Spanish language into account, I figured what Alex was really saying was that she couldn’t always hear something I and or AOC said. That was to be expected: but the mere fact that she could transmit that snippet was a promising sign.
“Don’t get on your high horse” my internal narrator said—there was no trace of Alex and or AOC in that voice, the general idea was that a general voice from the future was telling me what to think. That’s better (AOC).
“You’re kind of constructing me as we speak,” (AOC) meaning that she might or might not have been reading this and trying to tune in to my rhythms that way. And yet she, as a thing of the future, was constructing me—especially now that i was aware of Eula—the point in the future that AOC looked after.
i am aware that you like her, but that’s not me. (Alex). i had to accept that—and I would, although i had yet to realize all the things she might’ve meant by that. On the surface it looked like she was saying that the Alex I have in mind (as a partner) is not who she really is, and, therefore, we’re probably incompatible. On the other hand, she could have been saying, “i know that you like AOC, but you should be focused, romantically speaking, on me.” that seemed a little like wishful thinking on my part—because i was allowing myself to believe in what i really wanted, which, in general, is never exactly how things are meant to be. If I wanted her in any possible way, then, i was going to have to convince her that she was loveable more than most, and, to top it off, i wasn’t going to take her weight gain—and her potential unhappiness—to heart. The tricky part was that I was going to have to convince her of this without explicitly saying it—otherwise she might take offense.