i told you and she was right; we might’ve proved better off as friends (with a little more space between us) since i found myself leaning, more and more, to AOC (as opposed to Alex). “That’s the spirit,” Alex said.
Right now we were communing with our bellies full of water—the three of us combined. It created a channel, something we all shared in common, at that moment. You don’t need me (AOC). She was hurt by something, I think—she might’ve been let down by the notion that, indeed, there were things about Alex that, if left without attention, and, in some cases, discipline, would leave my love in question. So what was happening? i was getting closer to the real AOC, and I was befriending the real person, which opened up a portal to another, even more futuristic, end point. But, for now, at least, AOC remained my go to person for information about the future. She was a great thinker.
Furthermore I only knew this new unknown person through AOC’s future, so, if I wanted to talk to them, I needed to go through AOC—at least until this person, in and of themselves, acquired mortal, friend-like status, and, even then, there would still be a connection to that future and my future—the one I developed with AOC.
you have the guts to do it (Alex) i think she was telling me to look inside—i have to admit, for some reason, today, I was hearing Alex’s voice more than AOC’s voice, which was strange: i tried to reestablish contact with AOC, and she said I was making progress because, as I listened to the various thoughts inside my head, although things were a little muted, the sounds weren’t starting in my throat and being sent to my brain—instead they were developing a little more directly from my brain (for today, at least, with out bellies full of water).
Then I heard AOC: she said, “You can do this.”
if you want to—(Alex). i didn’t know what i wanted: that’s frustrating because it seems that Alex has let her guard down—“but not to me,” AOC said. I was so confused: Did Alex want me to think of her—was that why I was hearing her voice? Or did AOC want me to think of her, and she was going through Alex, like I often did when I wanted to talk to AOC, to talk to me. In any event, I thought it was healthy for me to think a little less of Alex, since, after all, this relationship was getting a little creepy. What were my intentions? What did I hope to accomplish? Was I using her to my own ends? Did I really care about her—and, if I did, shouldn’t I have the sense not to care too much—considering her status in a relationship (already)?
it’s me you care about (Alex) then i repeated that for AOC—i was speaking directly to AOC, then. “You’re fine,” AOC said. As long as I didn’t try to establish contact with Alex, then, i’d go on talking to both of them (even if Alex was putting on weight without having a baby) and i wouldn’t beat myself up about being a borderline creep. In short, thanks to Alex and her weight gain, I had everything in control. But that in itself was kind of creepy—I shouldn’t have been casting Alex aside because I’d finally seen what she looks like in real time; i should have been getting to know the real person—and believing in her no matter what. Then again, even that was kind of creepy—since we weren’t connected by anything but politics, and I had no right to take her weight personally—or to call her out on it.
But the chance of this happening were slim to none, so, i figured, i’d cut myself loose and write as i please—without projecting hate, but allowing myself a little leeway to say, at times, what was on my mind (as long as I wasn’t thinking mean and hateful thoughts—which, in any case, would’ve driven me to talk about it—if, that is, I couldn’t stop).