i could see nothing but Ursula counting off a list of organizations that she was recommending people join; she was so down to earth, and personable, that i watched her for a few minutes, when, normally, i wouldn’t—because, if I did, it might mess up my relationship with the real Ursula, the one I was talking to day in and day out. Having acknowledged this as a possibility, if not a likelihood, Ursula was free to reassure me that, indeed, we were in love. I don’t know how or why she trusted me as much as she did (i base that on the things that she tells me) but she might say the same about me—which is not saying quite as much since i’ve written about myself in various ways for years, and a savvy detective can probably get a pretty good idea of what makes me tick—if, that is, they had a million years to read everything that I write. Now you’re talking: we can be friends: and, yes, that might be the end of this, since she’s taken and I’m not so sure I feel that much for this woman that i would watch on TV or on my phone; that person is untenable and so far out of my sphere that any symptom of heartbreak at our separation doesn’t seem to exist.
i won’t go with someone that ignores my texts. So, had i been ignoring her? I’d skipped a day or two with respect to this book here, but that was to be expected from time to time. So why did she say that? Perhaps her man wasn’t exactly wrapped around her finger in a way that I imagined he was; perhaps, when he asked her to marry him, he did it, in part, because he didn’t think he’d ever get another chance to marry, if, that is, she left him—because, in fact, he hadn’t asked her to marry him. I don’t know; i think i’ve been over this angle before, but I generally imagine him as responding to Ursula’s texts in a quick and timely fashion. Now, I know that Ursula had mentioned, in the past, that maintaining a relationship that, for her, divided its time between New York and Washington DC, posed its challenges, and, in the past, i’d imagined that this man was getting upset because she wasn’t around as much as he wanted her to be; but the opposite could’ve been true—perhaps, when she was away, he didn’t call or write as much as she wanted him too. Perhaps he didn’t make her feel as beautiful as she might’ve wanted to feel—i don’t know, but one or the other must be true, since she acknowledged that there had been some resistance in the relationship that required attention.
Now, somebody was busy telling me (or I was busy telling somebody) that I’d written my first song—and I was going to pursue it until i had a book of songs. I imagined publishing a hymn book—but, i’ll look into it and see if my songs would be received better if I only published a few albums at a time. Or even less—i don’t know. What might’ve been happening was that people from the future were getting drunk while listening to my songs and giving me some much needed encouragement and possibly some ideas, too, but, also, they might have been sending me a bunch of other stuff along with it—such as their anxiety and their sorrow. So i wanted to get it under control, because I didn’t seem to have as much control over these thoughts as I might’ve liked. Perhaps Ursula was excited—perhaps she had been a part of this, and that was all well and good. I just had to be realistic; she might’ve been dumping her back a little when she read or listened to my music. Maybe she needed to.
So i was taking the encouragement while also trying to tune out the “high” that i was feeling—the distraction that kept me from focusing on my creations. Now i just kept seeing my current psychiatrist, a black woman with a serious face that seemed to be a little put off by me, (because I had my arms crossed for the duration of the video-appointment?). Was Ursula telling me that I was her psychiatrist? I don’t think she would’ve been telling me that she was my psychiatrist, since, ultimately, telepathic communications, in general, is a trickle down system—not necessarily linear, but dedicated to protecting the future—not the other way around (the future doesn’t entirely exist—it’s not fixed in the way that a fully formed human being or spirit would be). good for you!
I want you to be my friend i don’t know what she meant by that exactly, unless she was letting me down from thinking that this person that wears the face of Ursula isn’t romantically interested in me (and never will be) which, frankly, if that’s the way it goes, then fine; given the amount of desire i feel for anybody, man or woman, a romantic attachment was kind of hard to imagine. But I imagined that, in the future, I would be attached to someone, and they would make me feel desire—when, that is, there was something that I could do about it, other than making a fool out of myself and others, trying to do something that goes against my nature. So yes, a friendship would be okay—i don’t think it was going to change anything, really; I’d just be hyperaware that the voice and face that represents my Ursula was not the voice and face of this “unknown” person.