come on! Ursula wanted me to get started, and, I admit, I was looking forward to what she might say—that wouldn’t happen, though, until I got a good rhythm going, one that could sustain whatever Ursula wanted to say. He wants to talk to you did she mean me? Did i want to talk to me? but I didn’t know if that was possible, and i didn’t know what I could say to me that I either didn’t already know or had the ability to understand. I wanted to talk to Ursula, who was the other, here, in this life. I connected to myself through her—I was at peace with myself when I was with her. you’ve got a lot of catching up to do did she mean that she was more in love with me than I was with her?
i have answers she was egging me on, reeling me in, and, if the past was any indicator of the future, I’d resist her love until, at some point, I loved her more than she loved me—or we loved each other infinitely. I couldn’t help but wonder what “answers” she was talking about. I always had questions, questions about various things that I eventually answered for myself, so, yes, I wanted more answers—I lived for answers; i only wondered, now, if the next life led to some higher level after that—and I’d have to go through losing my loved ones all over again. I told myself they could visit, and, indeed I think they would, so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad—but why?
what if? i ask myself: what if i’m a very old alien lifeform with his memory wiped clean by an intradimensional life on earth—one in which my old alien energy convinces people of many things, but, in reality, I’d been sent to this earth to die because I was terminally fatigued—and I’d spent too many years doing nothing but reaping short term gains one on top of the other until the last musical chair was taken from me, and I’d thought, then, that I’d go to this new place, and it would lead, eventually, to a place that actually valued my various passions and became, then, a home to me? i guess the trade-off was that I’d have to die in order to be reborn into my new reality, the one that, in turn, had traded, likewise, a soul of their own.
But i knew better—i didn’t do bad in order to do good; i may have in the past: who can define what their actions mean? Who can define what actually happened? No, it was a nightmare to think that I was reproducing what I once knew in my alien realm—that I wasn’t actually enhancing my extra-dimensional life. It was a nightmare to think that I was some kind of apostate that lived under the delusion that there weren’t infinitely many others that learned everything I was doing (which, I thought, was done for the first time) in school. Or maybe they were even born knowing it, like animals that are born with the ability to walk.
i know you’re happy, but be happy with me i don’t know what she wanted me to do: i want you to be happy with me but I didn’t know what I was supposed to do; what next step did she want me to take—or was i just supposed to keep doing what i was doing, one step at a time? I think she was asking for a more intimate “imaginary” relationship; i wondered, however, if i would only confuse her, and she’d assume that her live-in lover was the source of the thoughts we shared. But I knew better. The closer we got, the more she’d destructively interfere with her boyfriend’s energy, until, at some point, they’d both realize that they were better off on their own—that they couldn’t get the things that they needed and wanted out of life from each other.
they’re separating people from their families but i already knew that was true—I didn’t want to talk politics with her; i think what i was witnessing was the beginning stages of relationship schizophrenia—thinking that “they” are doing bad things without asking herself first if she was separating herself from her would be family—that is to say, her would be family—her live in lover and the children, at some point, that she wanted, were fading into the background. She was losing “them,” and, while that made her more effective and passionate about the job she was doing, she would need to realize—if I acquiesced and tried to establish a more intimate connection—that she was walking away from a life that she’d miss—at least until the bigger picture came into focus, and she realized things for herself.
“But hey, you wanted this”—so, what is your favorite food for some reason i thought she was going to say she liked Mexican, which was fine, whatever, but I couldn’t know if that was the case for sure, especially since I was going to ask her that and she asked me that first. So what is my favorite food? Chicken tenders, i guess. but i think she meant which country, and the first thing i thought of was Thai food. So i said that. I had to say something. She seemed satisfied with my answer “what kind of tea do you like to drink?” I thought she said, “I don’t like tea,” but that didn’t sound right, so I didn’t put it to memory. i think what she really wanted was to watch tv together but she knew as well as I did that that would have been great if we had a physical relationship, but, since this was a “long-distance” relationship so you admit this is a relationship? “I do admit this is a relationship, but let’s not expect something that we cannot have,” and that’s agreed there wasn’t a whole lot of time for TV, but we could eat, read, and sleep together, if, that is, we had a real relationship.