it wasn’t happening to me; it was happening to him “Who? Picasso?” here i was, making excuses for him, saying he couldn’t help the way he behaved—look at all the cigarettes he smoked—he had a mental illness, he couldn’t help himself. since i saw the interview with Picasso, and heard his voice, i had been incorporating him a little into my routine—to block the person that he was subject to, i.e., himself, if nothing else. But I couldn’t shake him because I liked to look at his artwork and he had so much power—it was like he was the president, and, as such, he was a hub for telepathic communications.
But Picasso gets talked about enough—we’re all talked out; it’s best to avoid the subject if you’re an artist, since aiming to wield that kind of power was a pipe dream: talk about him and you only insult the people that like his work. People that, often enough, are there, not because they approve of his behavior, but because he was an integral figure in art history—lots of people are influenced by him – and we all want access to the collective unconscious – the energy that, ultimately connected all of us whether we were good or bad or polarizing. but no—i like to look at Picasso’s artwork because of what he does with space, and I like that in spite of his behavior—the behavior that people complain about, or like to bring up, when they’re full of him, jealous, and or trying to let you down – you realize, then, that you’re not him and he’s not them, i.e., you look after yourself. You practice self-care, and, therefore, you don’t need to take things out on other people.
Let me hear his voice! “I don’t speak French, so I can’t repeat a phrase, but i hear him distinctively saying “si,” which means yes, I do, when contradicting a negative. i have something i want to say “Yes?” in this day and age you have no excuse for acting like that “not when i’m loved—and I take my medication.” Exactly. “So you’re saying if i start thinking that i’m not my real self unless i’m not taking my medication, you’ll break off the relationship?” that’s almost certain unless you’re doing what your doctor says you can do fair enough; i totally respected that. I was looking forward to a relationship now that I was truly myself—minus the ego boost you get from securing a partner and raising a family of your own—or making enough money to look after your children, children that, in the nouveau America, I’d be able to offer a better life.
Children that, in short, can love me back. now you’re talking about raising a family? “with you, i hope.” But realistically, what was going to happen to me? was i cut out for marriage—or what if i was, but i couldn’t find a woman that was cut out for me? I depend on other people to get around, so, the way I saw it, I’d have to make do with someone, eventually, until that person stopped going in the direction i wanted to go—at which point, hopefully, i’ll be independent enough, so that, perhaps with a little help from the government, i’ll find someone else to depend on—someone that gets something out of my company in exchange for a give and take relationship that won’t leave me at the mercy of a social worker. All of this to say—i mean, i think Ursula was saying this to me; she was explaining how she could be in a relationship for so long without getting married—because she depended on them to survive (for whatever reasons, if, for nothing else, to have someone at your back).
“Am i right?” yes, you understand me, then, and how i can’t give this up until i have someone else that I can rely on—we don’t need to have a physical affair; but, emotionally, and practically, we could take steps in that direction, such that i’m not left high and dry, here, if you change your mind. You have to wonder, now: what about the boyfriend? How much does he rely on you? Will he be okay? he’ll discover the person that he has yet to become, and, in being that person, he won’t have to project that person onto me. i think you might be doing that a little i think you are also becoming something that you project onto me, but maybe i can help you get there. “Ideally we’d have a network of friends and families that we can rely on—if, that is, we don’t have any family in the area.