Everything is feeling kind of sketchy i don’t know why, exactly, but every time i had to talk to somebody, a mental health doctor, i mean, i practically felt myself relapsing into a former state—and that was very unpleasant for me. It’s like someone was moving things around under the hood of my car (or in my heart) and, because of that, I couldn’t hardly do anything until I calmed down. I have to keep myself busy with my routine—or else boredom leads to intrusive thoughts, in part, i think, because i’m supposed to be following my artistic and intellectual routine. i was having a hard time, at the moment, tuning into Ursula’s voice, at maintaining the channel, at keeping time, and using various wave properties to grow, together, in an intimate way.
i don’t want to grow together in an intimate way i don’t know if that was true; that might have been my alter ego projecting that, but I had to take the remark seriously. If that was the case, then, we could grow together in a more platonic way—although I don’t know how telepathic communications can ever be anything more than platonic, if, that is, you’re speaking to someone that isn’t a part of your life. When I say intimate, then, yes, I acknowledge that I want a physical relationship, but, i also mean that I want a tight or close relationship, one in which, if less than lovers, then more than friends. that’s what I understand. Now, she’d never seen me before, so, she was ruling me out based on that, the fact that she was in love with her partner, or both. Now, i don’t look like anything less than an intellectual: I have a serious face, but that shouldn’t be working against me—at least not with her.
I guess Ursula sensed that I was a little unraveled and that was why she said everything was feeling kind of sketchy. But now that I’d explained myself she basically said that we’re on the same page. i want to be uncle Sam, and, by that, I think she meant that she wanted to be me, if only for a temporary amount of time. I guess she wanted to download all the various things i knew and thought about, so that she, too, could have secrets—things that it was too dangerous to talk about, even within the boundaries of a democracy. I don’t know if I would exactly call what we have right now a democracy, however, since Jack Daniels wasn’t protecting our democracy: he was trying to dismantle it, having convinced himself, i think, that the American people wanted him to be their dictator, and, as such, he was protecting our democracy.
Ursula was wishing me a happy birthday, now, which was kind of odd. I guess that was her way of telling me that being a Virgo is cool enough—interestingly enough, she was calling me Daniel, which was the name of a friend of mine I’d recently messaged on his birthday. So what was happening? Was my brain trying to interpret the best way to convey what Ursula was saying? She must have been saying something good, because the message was cloaked, i.e., although Daniel was my friend, I was a little worried that the both of us would relapse if we got around each other. He lived in a different state, too. So i think her brain was saying—hey, i’m Daniel, or that is to say, she was interested in me as an artist, like Daniel was, as a person that might go on to do good, if not great things. That was nice. But it also conveyed this sense that she wasn’t thinking about having sex with me.
Daniel however, at one time, if not currently, favored Jack Daniels, and that was the worst possible thing; so, i think, in her mind, the worst possible thing that could happen would be losing control of herself, and doing damage to her partner. The desire, therefore, was there—if, that is, i was really interested in a physical relationship. But we sometimes feel desire for people that we don’t love, and, although, often enough, that means we’re not in love with our partner, it also means that we’re human. It’s hard to ignore the primitive urge to get somebody pregnant and to hell with the consequences—and the possibility that this child will be brought into a world that can keep it protected, happy, and loved. Everybody knows, of course, that the current world we live in is horrible and cruel—especially to people that don’t have a positive family background.
Now Ursula was telling me—and i don’t think she was trying to tell me this; but I think it got included in the message, since, sometimes, intimate details come in packets along with what we think we’re really saying—that the worse thing that could happen—if we loved each other—was the possibility that i’d leave her for a blond. That, I think, was a valid concern, given my history and what i like, but it was unlikely if we loved each other; if i left her for a blond, then, it would mean that we only thought we loved each other—but that, all along, one person between us was happier than the other—and she feared that person would be her, i think, that she’d be happily ignorant, and, therefore, made a fool of. I think she was too sharp, however, to assume that we could be partners without paying attention to each other—and tuning in when something changed.