Well here we were; back to it: step one, breathe; step two, project one voice for vowels and one voice for consonants; step three, switch to a four count (optional but helpful—that was when we adjust amplitudes); step four, input the passwords; step five, tell others to leave a message. We can talk about that—but I didn’t want to talk about that; if she’d cut loose when she was separated from her boyfriend and had sex with god knows how many people, then, well, what can I say? I didn’t want to think about it because i’d already made up my mind—i was invested in her—both telepathically and physically. the only thing that could spoil it was me losing my grip on reality—thinking that things were true or “there” when they weren’t. They just weren’t. But I wouldn’t know that, possibly, ever, since it was unlikely, again, that we’d meet, and she’d have a chance to be something else, and, in so doing, redirecting me to someone else—someone that also might’ve been standing in front of someone else, my chosen spouse.
I had to consider the other possibility too; that being, “I’m not supposed to be with any one person—i’m just supposed to entertain a series of relatively short lived affairs that progress from one person to the next.” In short, I’m not meant to marry—I’m meant to step from person to person in order to stay on the path that chose me. And then there was the possibility that i was both male and female—and I’d been projecting my female self onto Ursula, as a way to understand what was happening, when, in reality, my interest in Ursula would wane the closer i came to integrating and realizing my full potential. I don’t believe that’s the case – and, honestly, I didn’t either—in part. I did think that I was some combination of a man and a woman, but I think the male part of me was akin to my dominant hand—i was just, in some ways, or when it came to some things, a little ambidextrous. For example, I always brush my teeth left handed because it’s too boring otherwise, and I can write left handed (i taught myself) but my right hand is dominant.
So, just because I can identify with a woman, it didn’t make me any less right handed, so to speak. that’s why i find using the word gay in the place of queer offensive. It gives everybody the wrong idea—which is off-putting to any potential female audience; it makes them think in black and white terms, which, i know, amount to a lot of us when we’re on our path out of the closet or to being our true selves, but, in my case, I’d done my best to entertain every path, and the path that works for me is kind of asexual but not really—it’s more like I’m a little of both: that is to say, I might end up with a man in the sense that I brush my teeth left handed, but it’s more likely that I’ll end up with a woman (perhaps only from time to time) because this heterosexual male is dominant.
But where was I? You can be anything you want to be – with me. “I appreciate that—but you and I both know what’s really at stake here – this problem of feeling, deep down, that I’m inadequate; and, well, let’s face it, in many ways i am—at least in the world that we’re currently living in, a world that doesn’t leave me with the resources to live without the financial support of my family. That can go a long way toward making you feel inadequate. On the other hand, I had so much going for me that I really was adequate for a whole lot of people, but I couldn’t put my day to day life at risk—that’s what it really boils down to. Can I create, every day, day in and day out, all day, trying to be the greatest artist that ever lived, if, somehow, I wind up getting the wrong person pregnant—or even getting the right person pregnant?
you’re amazing – I want you to know that. But I was schizophrenic: i didn’t have the ability to completely understand myself as both “a loser” and a very talented artist. I suspect, on top of that, that people reading my books or looking at my paintings, in the future, may use that information to align with 5D and dump their backs – as if they don’t care about anything, not even themselves. The universe that i lived in was not the same as the one that belonged to the year 2025; and, because of that, i had to take myself very seriously, or the 2025 universe—the one that doesn’t provide for me in such a way that I don’t have to depend so much on my family, was like a time period that still believed in kings and torturing people to death.
what are you trying to figure out? are you trying to figure out me? Well, you can’t – i belong in my time—interacting with the world directly. I might’ve hoped, then, that she’d choose immortal life: that would solve both our problems. but I had no idea what her thoughts on God were, or even if she had any. i’m attracted to people, sometimes, that don’t believe in God—they believe that the here and now is all there is, that this life is all there is. then there’s always the danger that I’ll get too relaxed for a certain situation and talk about my perspective, which, if I did, would be like imposing myself on them, someone that has the right to choose what to do with their free agency. they won’t go to hell, i don’t think, but the question, for me, is this: do they really exist? Or is the universe just keeping a book on me?