7
this can’t happen any faster, can it? but i wanted to savor every moment—if anything was going to happen faster it would have to happen in our minds; but, even then, i didn’t want to miss anything. i wanted to be there every minute for my creations—learning from each of them and sharing them with others (with people from the artworld, perhaps, but also with people that claim to know nothing about art). you’re on to something i surely felt that i was, but there was so much going on that it was hard to keep it all organized in my head, which i would have to do by breaking things into chunks and slowing down a little. there was more to add, i was so excited (on the inside—on the outside i remain a stoic because it’s wise when you’re surrounded by people that don’t know much about you). Technically, i was surrounded by people that knew me well, but when it came to the telepathic road map—if I wanted to have a private conversation with someone, then, clearly, all that i had to do to make that happen pointed to white noise.
i got an image then of my maternal grandmother (half Swedish) with a nail file doctoring her nails—digging underneath them a little (perhaps to remove the skin cells of someone she murdered) and over the place on the corner where the nail broke or would break a little beyond the dead part of the nail—and cause us great pain. now i was seeing the head of the Department of Justice—whatever they’re called, attorney general? i don’t know and i don’t care enough to look it up right now, but i was seeing her with a little brown spot on her nose, where, apparently, she’d been kissing Jack Daniels in the butt—which is generally an area we tried to avoid, but it was so close to the genitals that you couldn’t overlook it completely—so i wondered, does this woman really like Jack Daniels? Or is she just trying to convince him to do whatever she wants?
i wondered, then, if Ursula was asking me a question—or telling me something i needed to know. i’m not doing that, she said, which was a good thing, because i didn’t want to be tricked by someone into doing something that i didn’t want to do. Furthermore, i didn’t want to trick somebody into doing something that they didn’t want to do—so what was up with this woman? What did she want? What was her endgame? Did she think she could run for president? That seemed plausible, based on all the brown nosing—which you might handle every once a while, but holding your breath like you are swimming sounded kind of dense and it didn’t sound like fun. I wondered, too, what kind of diseases can you get from that?
No, I wasn’t going to be brown-nosing anybody. I made that clear, i think—in the same way that Ursula just made that clear to me. We were going to have to watch ourselves, then, in order to make sure that we didn’t try to manipulate each other. thank-you, Ursula said, with you being queer and all . . . that was funny, i thought. She was thinking that i was going to brown-nose her to get what I wanted once she became president. But, again, i don’t keep things from Ursula anymore. She already knows some of the most complicated and uncomfortable events I’ve had to integrate over the years—and I know some things about her that I won’t share out of respect for her. you’ve got to be kidding me i’m your sister? i don’t know where that came from—i never said anything like it, but maybe she figured something out about me that I wasn’t quite aware of yet.
Did I want Ursula to be like a sister to me? Was that the proper way to think of her? No, it absolutely was not. I wanted a sexual relationship with her if, all things being equal, that was bound to happen. you don’t want me to do anything with you she must have been feeling insecure because I hadn’t said anything of the kind—and I made it explicitly clear, earlier, that I probably won’t be overcome with desire until we know each other in real life—and, even then, I might have to rely on something to counteract the effects of my various medications. It would help, however, if Ursula quit thinking that I didn’t, couldn’t, or wouldn’t love her. She needed to learn how to play things by ear and be ready for a variety of potential actions.
That’s how things are supposed to be when you date, and we’re were kind of dating but doing it backwards—the big stuff got passed on subconsciously first—it’s much more difficult to weight something generally light-weight and friendly enough to capture someone’s attention. The mind tries to keep up with a fast-paced thing, and, in so doing, it sometimes makes us think and feel things that are there because those things have the power to alter our subconscious and even, i imagine, certain places in our DNA. i’ll keep that in mind—it was kind of funny, but Ursula appeared so confident when doing her job, but, under that hardworking exterior she had struggles, too. Like being emotionally vulnerable (for whatever reasons—i don’t know exactly why, and, if i did, i probably shouldn’t broadcast it). But yeah, i guess we were dating, kind of—which means, since we’re doing everything backwards, we’ll also fall in love backwards, feeling more and more the less heavy or demanding the conversations get.