It’s okay if you don’t love me how about that? was she telling me it’s ok to be gay, or was she telling me that she’d be okay if i didn’t really love her? But of course I loved my Ursula—I just didn’t know I could be with her—if, that is, she ever got interested enough to address me. But to love Ursula was just another way of saying that I love myself—since my Ursula, in fact, was my equal and my successor. But let me ask you this: what if I wanted to be Ursula? What if I was really a woman? Was that why I didn’t like being naked? But, in all seriousness, everybody knows I’m different, by now—I haven’t kept anything secret. So if I wanted to dress and live in my body as a woman—if I wanted this body to be a woman’s body, then it would’ve been unpleasant, but it would have been doable. I’d be loved as a daughter or a son. So I don’t think I wanted to be Ursula, or anybody else but this, for that matter.
What did she think, then? Why was she telling me it’s okay if i didn’t love her? Because that’s what she wanted—i mean, did she want me to love her? you can act however you want so what was she saying now? That I could be a woman without getting an operation? That was more appealing, i think, than giving up on my manhood. But I was a little too freaked out by acting like a woman to do it. I didn’t know if that’s what I wanted—in fact, i only wanted to play the part of a woman if somebody wanted me to. Otherwise there would have been no point—I wouldn’t want it enough to do it, meaning, I think, that I’m mainly a man—even if, in this life or the next, i saw some advantage in being a woman—something that, perhaps, would allow me to communicate with a wider audience. But I think people didn’t want you to try and be something that you’re not—they wouldn’t understand you being a woman one day and a man the next—i mean, maybe eventually they would, but, like I said, i like to please others. If I can’t do that, then, well, I wasn’t interested in taking the part—that is to say—being a woman one day a week isn’t something that i would’ve done on my own—to please myself.
But I was happy—i think, that Ursula said these things, because, given these thoughts, i think she was saying that i could be a woman around her if I wanted, which was great, if, that is, she was into that. If she was just trying to nudge me along so that I would be happier than I am, however, she was a little confused. When it came to boyfriends and girlfriends, I played everything, up to the last minute, by ear. The way I felt—or hoped to feel—could change in an instant, connecting me with someone or telling me that someone only meant to make me suffer so that they wouldn’t have to (which, of course, never works, but it doesn’t stop people from trying).
I didn’t say I didn’t love you and, well, this is Ursula we’re talking about; she’s basically telling me that she loves me, which can happen across the wire, and I loved that. But if a physical relationship were to ensue—an intimate relationship, then this would have to occur some time in the future, so, if she loved me, then, she was speaking from the future. But hey—that was the very thing that we were trying to do: we wanted to tap into the future: we wanted to get ahead, to see things more clearly, and to make others happy by sharing all the things we’ve learned—things that people would want to know. like the zodiac: what can you tell me about that? “Well, I’m a Virgo,” which might not have been what she wanted to hear, since, in many ways, i fit the part. i wonder, sometimes, if there was more to the zodiac than people believed anymore. In my world, the alignment of the planets (both now and at your birth) governed many things about us. They were a part of a period, and, as such, they were the main thing that connected us with the future. Deviations from the period, essentially, were the influx of future events—it made perfect sense if we precessed or rotated around some extradimensional axis.
i’m confused—why are you calling me Ursula? ok, so, apparently, either Ursula wasn’t Ursula or she’d figured out that Ursula was her pen-name. That meant, for me, that I was actually talking to the woman i imagined was Ursula in this 4D world, or, on the other hand, i was talking to the 4D Ursula that was behind this particular Ursula, an Ursula that I had yet to encounter. That all depended on the zodiac, in a way—Ursula the president was related to this person, but when I used this voice I was using it in such a way that I spoke through the president Ursula; she delivered the message as a part of her daily routine and sense of well-being. That was great, so, I wondered, did I want that person to be a blond? maybe that was the source of Ursula’s insecurity. She knew I’d imagined myself as partnering with a blond; but, honestly, i don’t think that person exists—at least not so long as I profess my love to Ursula the president, a woman that I appreciate too much to lie to. So, in all fairness, I don’t know. I don’t know if I love Ursula the president. But I love the person that I’m telepathically speaking to—everything else will make perfect sense once I’m united with that person—the future, at that point, will inform the past—and it will all become clear.