why do you have to be so dense? “I don’t know I’m doing it, i swear—or I don’t see it, because it’s not dense to me. i can help with that; you need a link to everyday people ”you think you’re everyday people?” I can understand you, others can’t ”you can’t understand me.” Maybe not your work, but I understand you. Maybe that was possible – i don’t know. It was nice to be seen as the man i am because it increased my faith—something that, as an artist that doesn’t shorten his life span attempting to tune out eternal life, you need. He’s talking to his wife now, who has made a terrible fuss. yes—this was my scotch uncle, long since dead now, and the memory seems a little too persistent to be real. it seems that my aunt was headed to a bar without Him, and, what was she going to do, but dump her back on Him?
These are symbols, mind you; meant to be interpreted—this was me and Ursula talking, and she’d been trying to share something like this, something encoded in this—i could surmise that much. I think Ursula was telling me about what I supposed to be a psychotic break and thanking me for listening to her—that’s the best sense i could make of the situation. Needless to say, I understood the situation quite well. I was sticking with the future by being good—and if this person kept dumping their back, the person behind them would emerge, and they would be the future—my future. I wasn’t abandoning anyone—on the contrary, I was trying to figure out what was wrong—why Ursula was dumping her back—and the longer I stuck with her, without dumping my back, the more attractive to the future i became.
“Are you showing me this?” I had to ask, because i saw her walking with the mayor of New York—and Bernie Sanders. She looked eager to please everybody, including the camera, and I inferred, based on changes in my breathing and my pulse when I asked, that yes, she was admitting it—she was attracted to the mayor of New York—let’s call him Wolverine. His existence as the mayor indicated that the democratic party was shifting toward what we wanted—as opposed to the chicken stance (cozying up to centrist corporate donors) we took with Biden and when Biden quit the race. That was a huge mistake, and, in fact, I’m still angry about it. Instead of sticking to their roots and their ideals, they made political decisions based on what they thought the American people could handle—they were looking down their noses—patronizing the American people, none of whom, I guarantee you, wanted to be spending an unaffordable amount of money to get by—if that. The cuts were real.
Well, my theory is that you wouldn’t be attracted to somebody else—at least not in any definite way—if you weren’t supposed to be; so i felt really special at this moment—and I wasn’t about to do anything that would leave her feeling punished for sharing this particular quantum state with this particular physicist—a man that would be ignored for years to come. Anyhow, i inferred, when I saw Wolverine’s wife watching him speak, that she was happy—and if she was as happy as she looked, then it was probably unlikely that Wolverine was stepping out on her—since, in order for an affair to take place, you strip time and energy away from your partner. They notice—the marriage suffers—you don’t look as happy as she did.
There was the possibility that something had or would take place in the future—i think we’ve established that; but i don’t think anything, at this point, had happened, because, if it did, the two parties wouldn’t look so happy either; they’d be suffering through the ups and downs of a love affair that is not monogamous—you live in this gray-zone, where the person having an affair with you is cheating on you as much as they’re cheating on their partner. Nothing is secure, nothing is safe—you experience wild highs, and, necessarily, tormented lows—time spent alone or without the object of your affection, which, as anybody that has experienced a crush as kid, growing up, knows, leaves you in a miserable over all state, since, to be blunt, you cannot control the fix that you need—and the pain that it causes leaves you to doubt yourself increasingly, until the relationship—whatever relationship that is—stabilizes.
So what did this mean to me? Well, i wanted what was best for Ursula’s career—and that probably meant that an affair with anybody would be a bad idea. But there was this little opening, such that i felt that a gradual transition from one relationship to the next could take place—if, that is, Ursula continued to find herself attracted to anybody other than her partner. Therefore I wanted her to do exactly as she was doing if she felt that she need a stabilizing force in her life—such as her partner, who, for as long as they’ve been together, seems pretty stable and adaptable to me. Ideally, for me, she would be single and chaste—and I honestly don’t know what would be better for her career; unless, of course, doing the right thing is always best for your career—if not the career you have then the one that extends to something else. Anyhow, Ursula’s message might not have been meant to tell me that I had a chance; it might’ve been meant to tell me that she might admire me, but, as far as she was concerned, her man, for now, was the dominant force in her life. She might’ve been trying to make me feel better on the one hand and telling me to get real on the other. Fine—as long as she was doing a good job—the best job she could do—then I would be happy.