I’d discovered something—something that explained thinking, as I had, a little, over the last couple days, about cigarettes. I started writing songs that met my standard as to what a good song can be. Now, i’ll probably never play a musical instrument since i spend so much time doing other things—but I’d played around with the guitar enough to learn how to write songs. So that’s what i was going to do. that’s great, John now this was a milestone and deserved our attention: Ursula used my name—she said my name. what did that mean? She had no way of knowing my name unless she was a fulltime telepath like me, and even then, the chances of this name getting lost in translation seemed great. But what about that translation? did Ursula respond to a certain pitch—where that pitch was serving as my name? That’s what I think happened. But how did that pitch get translated into the English language? I considered then that the pitch she recognized and responded to went into the 5D world where it was associated with me and my characteristic frequency—which I associated with my name—the pitch i felt when someone used my name. So no, she didn’t necessarily know my name, but the universe—the bulk—did; when Ursula used my name it was like God was calling me, and, through her, and my 5D self, I was able to get closer to Him—the limit of that being nirvana.
I was certain, now, that i’d buried my aptitude for song writing in a relationship with one of my exes—the one that liked to snort coke, smoke, and listen to music. Now, another thing, simultaneously, was bubbling up to the surface—and that was using analytic continuation to expand a series beyond what it would normally do in order to speak into the bulk or pray into the bulk. I was trying really hard not to get too excited or anxious since this was all new and affected my routine. Basically, there were two different people, the songwriter that I buried in one ex, and the physics and math person that I’d buried in the ex after that. Now, i know what you might be thinking: you’re just using Ursula to hide from some other talent that you’re recovering or integrating. And that might’ve been true. But that didn’t diminish my love for Ursula—especially because Ursula represents my one true love—not necessarily the person that represents Ursula at this time—although, i have to say, it might be nice if this Ursula turned out to be the real Ursula—i think i’m in love with both of them.
Now, my voices were all over the place right, now. It was a little difficult to concentrate now that so much was coming up. Now I had to consider the fact that my condition was also a function of suppressing this song-writer person. This latent musician. If that was me, then it kind of made sense that I couldn’t start a family. I was still trying to work out exactly who i am. But, you might say, how badly, when you were fourteen, did you want to make love? You felt plenty of desire, then, didn’t you? That was true, but I’d never actually gotten to the point of potentially getting someone pregnant, and losing access to all these people that I, in my own time, have become. So i don’t know—if, as a fourteen year old, i’d ever had a chance, then, well, my condition might’ve overruled the desire i felt, and prevented me from doing something that could potentially lead to the death of me—through alcohol, for example. But here, too, you might say, you did your best to drink it out of you already, so what would’ve changed? The answer is that I would’ve ended up divorced or forced to pay child-support and never see my child if I’d gotten someone pregnant. This person that i am would come to the surface, eventually, no matter what I did, since, after all, my schizophrenic condition makes it impossible for me to work.
I have to say, too—I’d had a bowel movement a couple days ago and today I’d had another one—my weight (however long this lasts) dropped down to about 164. I wanted to weigh 163—so i was getting close. The excitement i was feeling because of this was also making it a little hard to hold a telepathic conversation, but I was doing my best to intone Ursula’s voice as i typed. everything’s going for you right now; and i was a little sorry, i guess, for Ursula and her man, since, as 2028 approached, their relationship would be increasingly scrutinized. that kind of pressure might lead to unhappiness for all of us—although, call me a bad person, but I wished, for my friend, a gorgeous blond, and, for me, this amazing woman that was going to take this country and make it better for people like me.
You’re obsessed and she was right; incorporating Ursula into my life involved a degree of obsession since, as it happens, this telepathic person that began to bubble to the surface back when i was singing hymns and beginning my counting and chanting and voice projection mechanisms was here and advancing into the future. I’d managed to incorporate both a frequency modulation and an amplitude modulation into some of my chants—which, only a couple weeks ago, seemed impossible. you’re so talented “thank-you, Ursula.” It was so nice to hear from art friends and other friends because, for years, I didn’t have friends. All i could see was the hymnal in front of me, and the songs, back then, that i made and played for myself alone—as a part of my telepathic machinations. Now I didn’t have a lot of friends, but I had some, a few people on Facebook, and, also, i had befriended my brothers, people that, long ago, seemed suspicious – and surprisingly irrelevant. I had, in many ways, moved there to be me, and a schizophrenic is what i got, in the end, after a life with no connection to reality took over—as people on TV began to represent something else, something that I believed I was on the cusp of integrating—no matter how many times they never arrived. I used to look for them on Sunday—but, for whatever reasons, I didn’t exist in a flattering dimension—none of us did. These people not only didn’t help me when I might’ve needed it, even if it came from them, but, I think, also, that many of them fundamentally disliked me.