My daughter was on the line again: hi, Dad; she was so excited. She knew I was there as soon as I cracked a can of seltzer water, before I’d even had a chance to tell Ursula that I was on the line. I was angry now with Hakeem Jeffries (i think i spelled his name right and I don’t care enough to look it up) was saying that he didn’t vote for a bill that would ban members of congress from trading stocks because it didn’t go far enough. But really he was just saying that to save face so that he could win over both progressive and centrist democrats because he knew that the Senate would never pass a bill if it extended to telling the president he couldn’t trade stock. It was such a duplicitous, selfish thing to say and do, and I thought about as highly of him as he thought of progressive democrats.
i was wondering, now, how i was going to pour a jar of honey into a container for honey that was meant to dispense honey in small amounts. Why? Can you hear me, Dad? “Yes, I hear you.” but my throat felt funny; it might’ve been inflamed by all the carbonated drinks I’d been gulping down in such a way that my throat burned and I got a rush of feel good chemicals to my head. What about the honey? Was it anxiety? How was I going to impregnate Ursula when I’m in a chemically castrated state—a state of complete and total asexuality? The honey was there, i.e., the love was there? But the means to dispense it was not? Yes, I see how that could prove troublesome. But I knew what the circumstances were and I shouldn’t have been worried about it—maybe Ursula was worried about it and that was why I was thinking about it. Or maybe that was just Ursula’s way of telling me that the love was there.
Switching to a four count now, like taking off the runway, making little or no conscious effort to insert frequency and amplitude modulations—i was just “thinking it” and, well, i think that was kind of working, but if I thought about it in detail, if I actually tried to observe it until I was fully aware of it, then, I think that it wouldn’t work. you’re going to drive yourself crazy! but that was actually the opposite of what was happening; think about it: if all my life I was telepathic, but I couldn’t use it out of shame, ignorance, or fear, then it goes to follow that I would be at steep odds with myself until I integrate my abilities with my conscious mind. Like I’ve been doing here in this book. I kind of heard a mélange of Ursula and Gwen for a moment—i wondered if they were talking to each other; i wanted Ursula back on the line. why was I so averse to talking to my daughter? Probably because it might be awkward to be Gwen’s dad and also have access to things that were private—things that were kept from me on purpose because I might have been hurt or, on the other hand, she might’ve been hurt by the things I wanted to keep from her.
You need a little space between you and your parents because you need to become your own person as best you can—that meant you didn’t necessarily want to think about doing things their way—when their parents’ way, your grandparents’ way, might’ve suited you better. Or the way that your partner was might’ve been the healthiest way to go. You only have so much room in your head—and since the one of you needs to adapt without fear of judgment—or someone being either too set in their ways to head for the future, or too tricked into thinking that a sex life was either shameful or all that really mattered in life. I didn’t want to know about my daughter’s deepest insecurities or her sex life, and, if I spent enough time talking to her, if she didn’t know how to keep that part hidden, I’d wind up knowing things that embarrassed me or made me anxious. Things that I wasn’t ready to, or couldn’t, understand.
But maybe Gwen had been practicing and she knew how to secure a channel and put up a shield to protect us from each other. i took another little several gulps of oblivion and tried to tune back into Ursula—a life that had everything to do with me being able to have a daughter in the first place; what if i kept talking to Gwen and never connected with Gwen’s mother—and then “Gwen” turned out to be someone else? That was the other reason I didn’t want to talk to Gwen—she was a figment of a potentially rapidly changing future. She was something that I wanted, and, to make that happen, I needed to concentrate on the task at hand, which, mainly, was my work, and, also, getting Ursula the energy she needed to get elected president.
You also want to protect children from your darkness. i’m doing that right now. I wondered: what was Ursula’s darkness like? did all human beings share the same darkness—just from different angles? Or did human beings experience a darkness unique to them—one that became a part of them over time—something you learn to live with, at least in this life, when darkness can overtake happiness. do you love me now? “In light of what?” In light of my insecurities, and this revelation that i also have darkness—a place inside of me that is devoid of faith no matter how much faith I have everywhere else? i sneezed: i’d been sneezing a lot today, and it occurred to me that that might be the cause of the feeling I was getting of an irritated throat or vocal chords. “Yes, i still love you, you’re the mother of my children.”
But what if we can’t have children? Would that be a dealbreaker? And I hate to say it, but if she didn’t want to raise at least one child with me, then she didn’t love me in the way that I wanted to be loved. It wasn’t enough to be understood—I wanted my partner to love me so much that a little family became necessary in order to continue whatever aspect of the future we were currently working on. She may have been called to serve, but real people won’t force you to give up a family. In fact, people expect you to want to have a family—family is what people turn to, it’s what gives their lives meaning when they can’t understand life’s bigger mysteries, such as, is there an afterlife? And, if so, are there aliens too that never die? So does the afterlife eventually merge with aliens that never die? Sometimes you can’t answer, and you turn, then, to something you can trust—or that you should be able to trust, something that makes sense even if you can’t see how an afterlife could or would be possible. You do like everybody else does—you try and put a little piece of yourself out there that is a part of you—embracing the continuity of life.
Now i wanted to get a little better at hearing Ursula’s voice pronouncing the words that I was typing. That would protect me, and strengthen our relationship, especially when she got around to reading this. how can you know that? “that life goes on?” yes. “I guess I don’t entirely, although, at some point, there may be ways to prove that the 5D world exists, which wouldn’t necessarily be the same thing as proving than an afterlife exists, but it would definitely be a step in the right direction. I say that because the momentum in 5D that defines our bodies in 4D as mass is necessarily connected to a characteristic oscillation that marks the beginning point (along the loop) of the momentum in question. That oscillation, theoretically, can be measured, and would exist as a function of both 4D and 5D.