what are you going to do with that? “I’m going to publish it.” Incidentally, i knew that Ursula would fiercely defend her boyfriend if she felt the need to do so. So she might have been thinking about him when she was thinking of this book. I felt the need to say, then, that I’m sure he was all well and good—a source of light when needed; a reflection of Ursula’s light when needed in that way. They obviously shared something since they had been together for so long, and, because of that, i just wanted to say that I have no hard feelings for anybody, but, the thing is, I shouldn’t be saying that if I was the one that took Ursula away—of course he would have hard feelings if he felt like it. So, I guess what I’m saying is that I knew it was personal, in a sense, because this is real, but I didn’t think poorly of him.
i was trying to intone a frequency on the one count and the three count, a normal frequency on the two count and the four count, an amplitude on the two count and the four count, and then, when exhaling, doing the same thing—but that was too difficult for now. It didn’t leave any of my attention to this writing, and i couldn’t really even do it when giving it my undivided attention. I imagine Ursula, the one from the future of my future, could do it naturally and without thinking. In some sense, however, i did believe that i was communicating with God, although He probably didn’t hear anything but sounds that children make when they are learning to talk. Now, when we pray in general, I think we are talking to our higher self mostly, although I believe others feel our influence. that was a little different than talking to God directly by making up a language or learning a language that depended so much on your mind’s ear.
If you’re wondering about my mind’s eye, I suppose I could have started projecting colors and values but when working with my mind’s ear I generally focused on the person that I was talking to—i saw them, or the messages they’d send—in my mind’s eye. As far as making a language out of colors and values, well, I figured I’d cross that bridge when I got to it. It was possible to project a color around a thought, either before, after, or in the background or even on top of the person that you were talking too; I was doing that with the color yellow right now. But I didn’t want to do anything that made it more difficult to hear Ursula when she was communicating with me—i needed enough attention to talk to her—the other senses were far more abstract since they couldn’t be broken down as easily into identifiable, quantified units in the way that you could with vowels and consonants.
My scotch uncle was chiming in, now, or the person that he represented, identified in this way, looked green and Ursula looked yellow. I tried to hear what he said and I heard my voice saying, “I’m not gay.” But I think I listened again and he did say, “I’m not gay.” He didn’t say it like there was anything wrong with it—but I had some feeling that he was, and so I didn’t know where, exactly, things stood now. Why shouldn’t he be gay? None of my other confidantes are. Shouldn’t I allow one? But he said it seemed like he was gay because the math he was doing was so big that he still couldn’t realize himself. So, I wondered, maybe he’s queer, like me—not totally one thing or the other, or non-binary. But I couldn’t get a good sense of it—now he didn’t seem like he was gay—I was probably the closest thing to gay of all my various voices, even though, technically, if we’re using the updated definitions of the word, I’m not.
I tuned back into Ursula now that my scotch uncle had corrected me. She mentioned the word, “snow,” but I didn’t know what the context was unless she was talking about a poem i wrote about falling off the wagon. I don’t know if she drank—i kind of hoped that she didn’t, but she probably did, I imagine, since i imagine she went to fancy dinner parties from time to time. I’ve been on the wagon now for about 11 years, and I didn’t really want to be around alcohol, since, when I drank it, i felt closer to God, or, on the other hand, I got angry and started running my mouth. Basically I think when you’re drinking alcohol you make yourself vulnerable to telepathic garbage—if, that is, you’re that kind of telepath. Perhaps the religious kind? The kind that, deep down, believes in God, and hates themselves for it? Anyhow Ursula was still yellow and when I pointed that out she turned a little orange—likewise my uncle turned a little blue green. a combination of the two. Don’t know what that means—except that someone is trying to communicate with me, parent me, so to speak, from my future.
I was blue—even though my eyes are green—and I looked good next to the yellow, which was nice. But she was also kind of orange, which was the complement of blue, the opposite color, and that might’ve meant we were a volatile match—a match that might lead to falling off the wagon—or just being miserable, I don’t know. Anyhow I was trying to imagine a whistle going with my frequency modulation counting because it was kind of hard to change the frequency without also changing the amplitude. Then I thought, hey, why don’t I just use a higher note? That made a lot of sense. I was getting the hang of it, but I kind of had to do it without trying so hard. I just basically thought to myself, since I was used to amplitude modulation on the four count, “just think it and count as if you’re not modulating anything,” and that seemed to help.
Talking to God, or taking lessons from God, was great, but I really wanted to talk to Ursula. I wanted to be reassured that she loved me, and she wasn’t going to attack me when she realized I’d been talking as if we were going steady—even though we kind of were. She was talking about helping nurses to protest even if you’re not a nurse—I saw that on my social media, and I don’t know exactly why I kept seeing that in this context. But I really hoped she would become president. I know she was thinking about it, and the fact that she could keep acting the same way that she might otherwise was kind of a bid deal. you’re building something! nice words of encouragement; i can only assume that she was talking about these telepathic combinations, and the fact that I was learning to speak to the collective, where the collective might be called God.