it’s so exciting to be in love, to feel that you might, in fact, be the person that you’ve been dreaming of, and everything that went wrong in the past is time out of mind—or, if not, then vengeance is close at hand. the vengeance part was a joke—i was beginning to catch on to her somewhat macabre sense of humor, which didn’t bother me, although I didn’t always think she was funny. Sometimes i don’t think she was going for laughter—i think, instead, she just wanted to change the way you think in a nonserious way, although it, and therefore she, might have had a bit an edge. i was happy that she felt that way, but she was probably still having sex with him—indeed, she had to, if she wanted to maintain stability and present herself to the world in a way that they could recognize and associate with—a way that they would want to associate with.
She told me, however, that it was confusing because the sex was good now that she was just in it for herself – without concern for what her partner wants. Things have a way of falling into place when you do that, but, naturally, sex without meaning was like getting high—there would be a come down that ruined everything that you thought you’d accomplished when you were high. Anyway, she, essentially, was having sex with me and that was why it was so good. that was a joke, of course—my sense of humor was a thing unto itself—it was all about saying things that you were almost thinking—that other people might’ve been thinking, and waiting to see how people would react. If they thought it was funny, then, well, they knew that you were, in part, serious. If they didn’t think it was funny, then they suspected, in part, that you were having fun at your own expense, which, sometimes, doesn’t end well—if, that is, you’re talking from a place that isn’t entirely sober—or you just hate yourself in general.
Ok—so i wasn’t entirely joking—now that everything is cool about it, I can admit that. I really believed that when she was sleeping with her boyfriend, of late, she was sleeping with me. she didn’t agree completely—she said that was kind of what she was doing, but not exactly. Then I said that she was doing exactly that, and she admitted that she was having sex with someone else and that person was me. So there: I, in a sense, was sexually active again, a perspective that I wasn’t that used to—comprising a mere two years of my life. It might be laughable, to some, but I go with it—i often think of myself as a warrior-monk, where the warrior part no longer pertains to war or violence in a physical sense: the bulk takes place in my mind, on the frontier, where intrusive thoughts would dominate if I didn’t embrace my warrior-monk like status. But now I was having sex again, at least in the hyperspace, even if, in real life, I remained chemically castrated.
I shifted into a four count, if I wasn’t on a four count already, and Ursula might’ve said that amplitude modulation is consciousness and the basis of a language unto itself. Shifting amplitude in and out without knowing anything about what I’m doing—just using the trial and error approach, without any exact source to emulate, would have been too much for me if i wanted to continue writing. But, as I wrote, I might listen for amplitude modulation and try and repeat it and see what comes to mind. But it was all soup to me; furthermore, it occurred to me that frequency, or pitch, was also a part of that fundamental language, and I just couldn’t juggle it all. But that didn’t mean i wouldn’t keep listening, and doing things one step at a time, no matter how daunting the outcome might appear.
the field that i was creating, momentarily, right now, was a combination of both amplitude and frequency modulation on the last two “words” of my chant. I considered then that the 5D bulk might be fundamentally a medium for raw amplitude and frequency modulation from standing wave to transient wave and so on—and that we, actually, were the substance of that conscious interaction—that we, technically, were entirely made up of these modulations, that we, essentially, were numeric patterns, or modes, fundamental to the structure of being and nothingness. In this way the background comes to life—it’s all connected to a living, respiring entity that exists because of the integrity of mathematics and doesn’t exist in the sense that we are the only expression of that—something that exists outside us, in conjunction with us, if not because of us.
Ursula was talking, then, about speaking directly with a God-like entity, the basis of all us, with His own language. now, i don’t know if Ursula would object to me saying Him instead of Them, but I’d come to the conclusion that it was ok to say Him instead of them when you were talking about something that goes into something else, like yang and yin or that which is both active and the source of light as opposed to that which is both receptive and the reflection of that light. In this way, then, Ursula could absolutely be the yang—even if she was a woman; indeed, she could represent activity and light—she could be activity and light, but, in her most relaxed state, her animus would be countered by that which is receptive to her and reflecting her. when we say Him, then, we refer to light in general, and when we say Her, we refer to the earth. They can coexist—the one doesn’t have to dominate the other.