I’d touched base with my scotch uncle yesterday while studying my math and I’d been impeached from writing this book as, when I tuned in to Ursula, I couldn’t think of anything but the math—i believe this was the direct consequence of Ursula stating that she loved the math person, the person that I was becoming. When I addressed him over my math studies, he must’ve been dying to get a word in edgewise—which he did. I had so much to learn, which pleased me, and also left me wondering how I was going to reign in my curiosity and keep up the plot. But i’d been gone for a while—two days, i think, and I wanted to see what was up with Ursula. The last time I saw her she was trying to help out the local restaurants by including them on her Facebook page—I wasn’t sure what that meant, but she seemed happy enough.
But I didn’t have anything to say about Ursula’s relationship with my nemesis, who might’ve been a really nice guy, but that didn’t change the face that I wanted Ursula all too myself—at least for a decade or so—long enough to get her pregnant a couple times. She wasn’t commenting on her relationship either; or maybe she was and I didn’t want to pay any attention to it—i’m not sure why i wouldn’t, unless i’ve just decided that this book needs to be more than a documentation of Ursula’s availability or the lack thereof. I think what I really wanted to was to expose the telepathic frontier. that’s good because i’m not calling him so I couldn’t stop her from saying that and I couldn’t tune it out, so, well, we were going to talk about whatever she insisted on talking about—which is fine; it doesn’t bother me.
i suppose you know about playing bridge funny how i had the notion that i’d meet someone and they would like to spend time with my parents before we even knew each other—in a sexually explicit world it was laughable and probably betrayed my disinterest in sex. But if you were a good person with good intentions it wasn’t laughable at all—so the shame i felt was in believing that there were more good people out there than there really are. i’d totally play cards with your parents that was cute of her and I believed she definitely would—if we’d already met and deemed each other trustworthy enough to invest in. tell me about your day; “alright; i spent more than half a day trying to understand how the natural logarithm of r had a 1/r dependence such that, over a range, the two curves could be considered almost equal to each other.”
But what did I really want to talk about? My country? “I look forward, of course, to brief political commentary that depicts the president of this country in a poor light—a light that will expose him and get him out of office long before 2028.” i know what you mean. I was also watching a Dutch? show about a man that has amnesia and can’t remember if he committed a crime—which he probably didn’t, hence, the mystery and, as such, the entertainment value. “I’d like to watch a show with you—so that our bodies and our breathing can stabilize—and, possibly, come to a point.” But what about the fact that, if i wasn’t so turned off by kissing a man or needing an erection with a man then I’d entertain myself without getting to know them at all?
But that was a big if—and it probably, knowing me, had a lot to do with the fact that I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant and forming a long-standing relationship over the upbringing and happiness of a child. But Ursula wasn’t bothered by that—she’d just want to take her time getting to know me—which was perfect. Of course it would have been nice if she felt so strongly about me that she couldn’t help but trust me right away—and if that trust made it possible for me to reciprocate—then yeah, it might’ve been nice to cheat my medication and get riddled with feel-good chemicals. Because of my condition—and the importance of my sobriety, that was probably the only way I’d ever get high again. it’s all in your head i know you like me—and i know that we’ll bed each other soon enough.
So I had her vote of confidence, and that meant a lot to me. now you’re happy as if I hadn’t been happy before—and maybe that had something to do with not accepting myself as I am—because I did feel some relief and attraction for Ursula when she looked past my condition—and saw the person that I am inside. don’t ever get the blues because of me but that was probably never going to happen, since, as it happens, there would be times when the object of my addiction would be out of town, or, for whatever reasons in a bad mood or even upset with something i said or did. At this point in my life I kept to myself for the most part, living in a world of study and creativity, without any possibility of a great high or mood changing event. I was hardly boring—but I was happiest when I was able to work—that meant minus getting high, because my mind would wander, and minus getting low, because I wouldn’t be able to do anything or, if I did, it would be colored by something that I probably didn’t want to share.